


Invested

by egret



Series: Rehabilitated [4]
Category: The Yards (1999)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Domestic, Dominant, HIV testing, M/M, Spanking, Spoilers, Submissive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egret/pseuds/egret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Willie and Leo try to make their relationship work. They fight a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Invested

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation of warning: There is no rape in this story, but one of the characters has been raped in the past and there is some discussion of that. Spoilers for the entire film.
> 
> Written before gay marriage was legal in NYC.

**Saturday Afternoon, May 1st**

Willie stared at his reflection in the window on the washing machine door. The bruises hardly showed now. They were down to just yellow and purple, and the swelling was gone so he didn't have a pumpkinhead anymore. He was lucky Bernie hadn't broken anything. Willie had thought he had wanted his invalid status to end, but it didn't seem right to have to do laundry before he was even getting laid properly. Not that Leo's blowjobs weren't nice. Totally beyond nice. But it wasn't the same as when Leo fucked him. Like they were for real. Willie shook his head and pressed the coins into the washing machine. What the hell was he thinking? He sounded like one of those romance novels the girls at work used to read. Possessed by the cruel dark stranger. He used to laugh at them. Leo wasn't even dark, just sort of light brown. 

The other washing machine stopped spinning. Willie opened it to move the clothes to a dryer. He held his breath, bracing himself against the smell. God, he hated laundry. The dryer heat, the detergent smell, the bleach smell. His stomach lurched a little and he told himself not to think about it. It wasn't the same at all. He rolled the damp clothes down the long room and stuffed them hastily into the nearest open dryer. He couldn't wait to get out of here. He would just fold everything at home. A tall man was already using the folding table, his bright clothes spread out against the formica countertop. The folding table in the prison had been metal. Diego had folded him right over it two or three times a week, called him his little coffee break. The loud machines had drowned out any noises he made, but mostly he had tried to be quiet. He didn't want anyone to see them and ask for a turn.

It was stupid to think about this shit. It was all in the fucking past. He needed a cigarette. He walked outside and leaned against the laundromat window and lit up. Much better. He made himself look around and watch the people heading home in the rush hour, looking for their dinners. His pasta casserole was all ready to heat up when he got home, and maybe Leo would be there by now. He tried taking a couple of the "deep calming breaths" Leo had been showing him, but they didn't work nearly as well as the cigarette. He would finish this and then get the laundry and then head home and everything would be great. He didn't have to be fucked tonight if he didn't want to. He could think about all that later. 

"You got a light, man?" Willie jumped away from the tall man and scrambled for his balance. He hadn't even heard him walk up. The tall man put a heavy hand on his shoulder. "Hey, hey, chill, buddy. I didn't mean to startle you." 

Willie jerked away and glared. "Don't fucking touch me." 

The guy's eyebrows shot up and he smiled a little wryly. "Well, I guess that answers that question. I was gonna suggest coffee first." 

Willie felt his mouth hanging open. He must look like an idiot. He forced his mouth shut and shoved past the tall man. He'd thought he would go inside and get his laundry, but his feet just kept going and then going faster and then he was running. “Where the fuck am I running?” he wondered but he knew. He was running home to Leo. 

Leo stared resignedly at the pasta casserole in the refrigerator and reached behind it for a soda. Willie still wasn't really himself, but the continuous casseroles were getting to be a drag. Leo promised himself that he wouldn't complain about dinner. Willie had cooked it for him and that was good enough. Willie was healing up, and school was almost over, and everything was going to be OK. Leo wondered if there was some point where positive thinking just became a superstitious chant, and then decided not to worry about it because in six weeks he could take his licensing exam and the stress would let up a little. He poured the soda into a glass. It spilled a little when the door slammed and Willie yelled. Leo put the soda down but before he could even turn around Willie's arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing. Leo gently pried Willie's fingers apart and turned around so he could hug back. Willie was sweaty and shaky. Leo wondered if Willie had somehow managed to fall asleep and have a nightmare outside the house. It wasn't like him to relax that much outside the house, though.

"Leo!" Willie implored.

"You got me," Leo said quietly. "What's the matter, hon?"

Willie squeezed him tighter. "Nothing."

Leo swallowed his irritation and rubbed Willie’s back. "It don't look like nothing. Are the cops chasin' ya?"

Willie snorted. "No." He pulled away and eyed Leo, made a stab at a smile. "I wouldn't lead 'em back to the hideout, boss."

Leo kissed his cheek and stroked his shoulders. "'Course not. So what's up?"

Willie shook his head. "I overreacted, I think." He leaned around Leo, grabbed the soda bottle, and gulped from it. "Running. I'm a fucking idiot." He topped up Leo's glass, wiped down the counter, and put the bottle back in the refrigerator. He took the pasta casserole out and put it on top of the stove. Then he headed for the door. "I'll be back in a little while."

"Hold on! Where ya goin'?" 

"Back to the laundry. I forgot our fucking clothes." Willie sounded matter of fact but his face looked grim. 

Leo debated with himself for two seconds. "Wait up. I'll come with ya." Willie looked relieved and Leo knew he'd made the right decision. It was a nice evening, anyway. There was a pretty sunset and a promising fresh spring-like quality to the air, even in the city. It would have been even more pleasant if Willie didn't look so glum. "So how come you were runnin', anyway?" Leo tried. 

"Cuz I'm an idiot," was Willie's non-answer. He got tenser as they approached the laundromat. Willie stopped short just inside the door. The laundromat was practically empty, so there hadn't been any big fight for a washer. There was a woman with a Russian novel starting a wash and a tall man folding things and watching the TV set up high on the wall. Their laundry bag was neatly tied and waiting on one of the plastic chairs. Willie walked over and untied the bag, then stared inside at the folded laundry, amazed. Leo couldn't see what was so amazing. Willie looked over at the tall man, who now seemed to be watching them. Leo recognized Ben Atkins from Lyle's Bar and Grill. Ben was a Green activist and a veterinarian's assistant. Once he had a few drinks in him, he talked passionately about animal rights. The crowd at Lyle's lumped him together with Leo as another leftwing fruitcake. Ben was a little freaky about fur coats, but he wasn't anyone to get aggressive over. Willie was advancing on him aggressively, nevertheless. "You touched my stuff?" Willie was demanding.

Ben shrugged. "Wanted to make up for scaring you." 

Leo took a step forward, confused. Ben wasn't scary. It had to be a misunderstanding. Willie put a hand on his arm. "This is my boyfriend," Willie announced. 

The woman with the Russian novel said, "Jesus Christ," not as under her breath as she thought. Ben kept smiling. "OK, then, I guess I'm the scared one now. OK?" 

"Yeah, I guess so!" Willie replied. He sounded childish.  
"How you doin', Leo?" Ben asked pleasantly.  
"You know him?" Willie spluttered. He glared at Leo accusingly.  
Leo rubbed Willie's back and wished he knew what was so upsetting. He nodded at Ben and said, "Good. Yourself?" More quietly, he said to Willie, "I know him from the neighborhood. What's the matter?"

Willie shook his head, his lips pressed tight together. Ben approached, hand out. Leo shook it. Ben smiled pleasantly. "I'm doing great, Leo. But I think I got off on the wrong foot with your, um, boyfriend?" 

Leo shrugged. "Will, let me introduce Ben Atkins. He works at the animal hospital a few blocks over. I see him sometimes in Lyle's. Ben, this is my partner, Will Gutierrez." 

Ben held out his hand. "Nice to meet you, Will. Now that we're properly introduced." 

Willie turned away from him. "I need a cigarette," he said quietly, and stalked out of the laundromat. Leo frowned after him. 

Ben said, "I thought you were straight."  
"Yeah, well. Look, what happened here?"  
Ben shrugged. "Well, it's a little embarrassing now I know he's taken. I thought he was cute so I tried to talk to him, but he got all weird and ran off. And I saw he forgot his laundry. So I took it out of the dryer for him. I figured he'd be back."

"What, and you waited here for him?" 

After an instant's pause, Ben said carefully, "To repeat, I didn't know he was taken." 

Leo frowned. "What does that mean?" 

Ben sighed in exasperation. "It means I was gonna try to lure him into a bar and ply him with alcohol until he told me his name and his phone number. Jesus, Leo. I get it. He's taken. Hands off. He said as much." 

"He said he was taken?"  
"He said not to touch him."  
Leo bristled. "Why were you touching him?"  
"He lost his balance! Jesus Christ. It's no big deal, Leo."  
Leo bit his tongue. To him, if people ran away when he tried to hit on them, it would seem like a big deal. Like something to fucking focus on. But Ben's technique wasn't his problem. He picked up the laundry bag and held out his hand. "OK. I didn't mean to get heavy. Have a good night, Ben."

Ben shook his hand. "Yeah, Leo. See you around." Leo turned back at the door. "Ben?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Leave him alone, OK?" 

"Fuck off, Leo." 

Willie tried to take the laundry bag but Leo insisted on carrying it. "What'd he say?" Willie asked. 

Leo shrugged. "He told me he touched you, and I told him to leave you alone." 

Willie sighed. "He just asked for a light. But he startled me. I kind of overreacted. I didn't know you knew him." 

Leo shifted the laundry to his other shoulder. "I don't know him know him. I only know him from the bar. And he never hit on me. If it felt creepy to you, you gotta go with that. That's not overreacting." 

"He was creepy."  
"Well, then you did the right thing."  
"I can't believe he went through our clothes. I wanna wash them all again now." Leo smiled and turned around. "Where ya goin'? Leo? Not right now! I don't wanna go back there tonight!"

Leo crossed the street and continued wordlessly halfway down a sidestreet. He stopped at a small laundromat whose window prominently advertised a pickup and delivery service. At the counter, he handed over their laundry bag. "Hi. We need this washed, dried and folded. And we'd like to arrange a weekly pickup and delivery." He filled out the slip the counterwoman gave him while Willie looked on, taking his turn at wordless. Leo took Willie's hand and led him out into the spring evening. "No more laundry drama, OK?" 

Willie yanked his hand back. "But-- I can do it!" 

Leo tried to smile. "Well, you can be in charge of the pickups and deliveries, OK?" 

"Yeah, sure. Like I have a choice." 

Leo watched Willie stomp ahead of him, his hands jammed in his pockets, his shoulders angrily hunched by his ears. Maybe Willie just had to be mad at something. Leo hated when Willie treated him like an oppressor. He'd wanted to talk to Willie tonight about filing their domestic partnership papers, but maybe it wasn't such a good idea if Willie was in a bad mood. But it was really just a formality, a way to get Willie on his health insurance and his lease; it's not like there was any chance Willie would say no.

\- - - - - - 

"No, Leo!" 

Leo put the domestic partnership forms on the table and stood up. He brought his plate over to the sink and rinsed it, then stared unseeing at the stream of tap water, pressing his lips together, biting at the inside of his mouth. He saw the plate shaking and put it hastily into the dishpan before he could drop it. He waited to feel calm, to see what he should say to Willie, but nothing came. He supposed, technically, that it wasn't his problem if Willie didn't want health insurance or a lease. Except that if anything happened to Willie, Leo knew he'd be a wreck. It was just normal to want to protect your spouse from stupid catastrophes. Especially when your spouse was a stupid self-destructive idiot. 

Leo jumped a little when Willie spoke from right beside him. "Oh, are you gonna do those? Thanks, man." He slid his own plate into the water. "I'll let you clear the table then. You want me to wait for you to start the movie?" Leo was afraid to open his mouth. He shook his head. "Alright," Willie said. He left the kitchen, and a minute later the TV started up. Or the DVD, to be precise. Willie had come home last week with a DVD player and a boxed set of Xena episodes. Leo could watch DVDs too, if he wanted, of course. The DVD player was for both of them. There was nothing wrong in having one; he'd been meaning to get one for ages. He just hadn't had any money, what with all the bills and Willie's allowance. But Willie had spent his allowance on the DVD player for both of them. So there was nothing to be annoyed about. Leo thought about the hour he had spent on Wednesday photocopying textbook pages in the library, because he didn't have the sixty dollars to buy the book. He'd been starving, and unwilling to buy dinner because he had food at home, but he had to stay and photocopy before going home. He'd given himself a headache. Of course, he could have spent his beer money on textbooks. But he deserved to have some kind of social life, didn't he? He would have thought spending time with Willie would be more social. Maybe that's why Willie didn't want to marry him, because he wasn't any fun. 

The soundtrack in the next room stopped, and Willie stomped into the kitchen and flung the refrigerator door open. "Do we got any dessert?" The freezer door opened. "Is the ice cream gone?" The freezer door slammed shut. "Leo?" Willie was standing beside him. "Why are you just standing there?" Willie put a hand on his shoulder.

Leo flinched and turned away. He covered his mouth with his hands but he made some kind of sobbing noise anyway. He picked up the domestic partnership forms and thought he was going to throw them in the trash but instead he clutched them to his stomach and cried. He wanted to run and hide in the bathroom but his legs were shaking so he sat down in a kitchen chair and curled up as best he could. Then Willie crouched beside him and clutched his knee. "Leo!" He sounded shocked and disapproving, like he'd found Leo shitting on the kitchen floor or something. Leo tried to pry Willie's fingers off his knee, but that just made Willie hold his hand instead. "Leo, what's wrong?"

"Go watch TV!" Leo growled through gritted teeth. Willie froze, then let go of his hand and stood up. "Go!" Leo repeated. Their breathing sounded too loud in the quiet kitchen. The refrigerator motor clicked on and sounded as loud as a buzzsaw. 

Quietly, Willie asked, "Is it about the papers, Leo? The legal papers?" Leo couldn't stop himself nodding. Willie took a step closer again. "Well, you don't gotta cry, Leo. Here, gimme. I'll fill 'em out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean not to cooperate." He picked up a pen from the table and reached carefully towards Leo's chest and the edge of the papers he was still clutching. 

Leo slapped his hand away. "You don't gotta co- co-op- fuckin' fuck off!" 

"Ow! Leo!" Willie sounded outraged. "What's the matter with you?" 

"You!" Leo screamed, surging to his feet. He threw the rejected forms at Willie's head, but they just fluttered to the floor. "I got feelings! You turn me down, y'know, I feel --" He had no idea what he was saying. He just had to get away from Willie.

He bolted for the hallway, but only got a few steps before Willie was tugging on his arm and tripping up his feet. "Stop! Leo! What? I didn't turn you down!" Willie pushed him against the wall and stared earnestly into his face. 

Leo closed his eyes. He felt like a stupid idiot. Again. "You don't wanna marry me," he said. His voice only hitched a little. His throat hurt. 

Willie clutched at his hands. "That's what those papers are?" 

"Yeah." 

Willie's lips pressed softly against his knuckles. Leo opened his eyes. Willie said, "Well, I didn't know that. I better fill 'em out right away." Leo let Willie lead him back to the kitchen. Willie shoved him at a chair and brought him a glass of water. He rubbed Leo's shoulder and Leo remembered how much Willie hated it when he freaked out. It seemed that only Willie was allowed to freak out. Leo took deep breaths and tried to settle. Willie found the pen where it had rolled under the table. He began filling out the forms, but only got as far as the date before looking guardedly at Leo. "Whose name goes first?" he asked. 

Leo shrugged. "Yours, I guess. Or mine. Whichever. Just don't sign the bottom yet, cuz we gotta sign it in front of a notary public tomorrow." 

Willie chewed on the end of the pen and sighed. The air in the kitchen seemed heavy suddenly. Willie scratched his head. "Tomorrow?" he asked cautiously. 

Leo nodded. "When we go to city hall and file it."

"I have to be there?"

Leo felt himself misting up again and looked up at the ceiling. He dug his fingernails into his palms and took a deep breath. "You don't have to do it, Willie. Don't, don't fuckin' humor me. I won't throw you out."

"Throw me out!?" Willie's voice rose an entire panicky octave. "First you wanna get married, now you wanna throw me out?" 

"I don't! I don't wanna throw you out! That's what I'm saying! Jesus! You don't hear anything I say!" 

Willie stood up and lit a cigarette. He paced back and forth across the kitchen for a minute. "You never said married. You said insurance and legal shit is all. And I don't give a shit about that. And then all of a sudden you're upset." 

Leo got up and walked around him to get a coke out of the fridge. Had he really not mentioned it as a marriage? He took a long swallow of the cold sweet drink. "OK, Will. That's my bad then. I guess I didn't say married because it's not the same, legally. But it gives us legal protections as a couple. And I guess I just got stuck on the legal shit and --" he paused and took another drink. Willie was squinting at him expressionlessly. Leo stared down at his hand holding his coke. "I guess I assumed a lot of stuff. We been exclusive for awhile so I, I thought, y'know, I like livin' with you..." His voice abandoned him. He finished in a hoarse whisper. "I love you. I would never throw you out." Willie stared down at his hands. Leo realized suddenly he should have had a ring to give him. He was fucking this up pretty much every way he could. His own stupidity tasted sour in his mouth. He cleared his throat and tried to think of a way to end the conversation. "Anyway--"

"OK. Yes." Willie interrupted him.  


"What?"  


"Yes. Yes. I'll marry you." The corner of Willie's mouth curled up like he was enjoying some private joke. He sat back down at the table and picked up the pen again. "What time should I be ready tomorrow?" he asked, as he filled in little squares with the letters of their names.

"You will?" Leo's voice cracked. Happiness bubbled all up and down inside him, making everything unstable. 

Willie looked up at him and smiled. He was so gorgeous when he smiled. He caught Leo's hand in his own and squeezed it. "Si, papi."

\- - - - - - - - - - - 

Something was wrong. Leo kissed more gently and paid more attention. Willie was hardly kissing back and seemed relatively uninterested in rubbing their naked selves together. Leo moved his leg a little, but Willie's dick stayed mostly soft. Leo squeezed it gently. Willie tensed and stopped kissing. His mouth just froze while his dick barely twitched in Leo's hand. Leo stopped kissing and looked at him. Willie's eyes were squeezed shut. He looked unhappy, Leo thought. He moved his uninspiring hand to Willie's hip, stroking gently, and kissed Willie's forehead. "Hey, baby," he breathed. 

"Yeah," Willie squeaked. He turned over onto his stomach, spread his legs, and slid a pillow under his hips. His face was turned away from Leo, or maybe from the lamplight. Leo sat up. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to sound critical. He thought they knew this drill, though. He thought Willie knew he could say no. Maybe Willie liked being a martyr. Maybe they weren't ready to be married. Leo's stomach turned over. He'd thought that by the time he married someone, he'd understand them a little. But he'd known Willie his whole life and he was still a mystery, so maybe it was just impossible to understand anyone. In a small voice, without looking around, Willie said, "I just need the lube. Please."

Leo wondered if Willie really thought there was a chance he'd skip the lube. Maybe Willie wanted him to hurry. He knelt up and moved between Willie's spread legs, then leaned over to look at his face again. It was hard to tell in the shadows, but he looked pretty tense. Leo rubbed Willie's thigh and looked past his adorable but tense ass, all the way up to the way his muscles were corded tight between his shoulders, and how his elbows were pressed in against his ribs. Leo closed his eyes for a minute and tried to think about something disgusting. That shit they ate on the Fear Factor show, with the maggots. His dick wilted a little. He sat back on his heels and tried to think of something to say that wouldn't upset Willie. Responsible people would talk about it, he reminded himself. But responsible people didn't marry people like Willie. Willie's voice startled him. "What are you waiting for?" He sounded like his teeth were clenched too. No, nothing anticipatory there. 

Leo cleared his throat. "Well, listen. I know it's a little last minute, but--" He stopped and gathered his thoughts. He didn't want an argument, just a smooth end to a rough evening. 

"What?" Willie sounded irritated, and was lifting his head up. Leo realized suddenly that Willie felt vulnerable with his ass out like that. Like there was someone here who would hurt him. 

Leo reached down and grabbed his bathrobe from where he'd dropped it on the floor and spread it over Willie's back and butt. Then he lay down next to Willie and stared up at the ceiling. "You wanna wait till tomorrow? Like, like a wedding night?" 

There was a moment of silence and then a hard, sharp bark that Leo recognized after a second as a laugh. Willie rolled off the pillow onto his back, an arm's length away from Leo, keeping his face turned away. "OK, man, whatever. You want me to act like a virgin for ya?" 

"No," Leo whispered. He didn't want acting. He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, his stomach roiling. It had been a bad idea to think of the maggots. 

There was a sudden movement on the bed behind him. "Are ya mad? Don't be mad," Willie said quickly. 

Leo turned and caught his eye. Willie looked so worried. Leo held his hand out. Willie rolled his eyes. Leo waited patiently until Willie took his hand. He held Willie’s hand between both of his and leaned down and kissed it. "I am not mad at you," he said softly. "I'm sorry that you're upset, and I wish you felt, y'know, I don't know. You feel how you feel, I guess. Just, y'know, I'm on your side." 

"I'm not upset," Willie whispered. His fingertips rubbed tiny circles on Leo's wrist. "I said you could." 

Leo tried to smile. "I like when we're both into it."  
"I woulda got into it!" Willie whined.  
Leo rubbed past his hand to his whole arm. "OK. Stop arguing about it now. We're not having sex tonight. Do you wanna talk a little?" He'd kept his voice down, but his authoritative tone echoed in the room.

Willie blinked and relaxed a little. "No, gracias, no, Papi." 

Leo wondered if being submissive was like a little mental vacation for Willie. "Good boy. Then we're going to sleep. Get up for a minute and let me straighten up the bed." Willie got up and stood in the corner of the room, holding Leo’s robe in front of him. Leo forced himself not to say anything about shy virgins. Willie’s body language was even more awkward than it had been in the bed. Leo smoothed out the covers and plumped up the pillows, then turned the bed down again. "OK, get back in, honey." He was a little surprised that Willie let himself be tucked in, and even put his face up for a goodnight kiss. Leo double-checked the alarm and switched the lamp off and the nightlight on, then crawled in beside Willie. 

He spent the next thirty-five minutes listening to Willie toss and turn. Finally he said, "Do you wanna cuddle?" 

"I'm sleeping!" Willie hissed. Leo wondered idly whether the bald-faced lies were submissive or not. He was starting to drift off when Willie sat up and turned to face him. The nightlight made his eyes glint. "Are you awake?" 

"Yeah, mostly. What?"  
"I gotta ask you somethin', OK?" 

Leo thought about turning on the lamp, and then decided against it. "OK. Ask." 

"And you tell the truth?"  
"OK, Will. What is it?"  
"Did you tell Ben about me?"  
Leo frowned and sat up. "Ben? Ben Atkins?"  
"Yeah. In the laundry. How did he know about me? Did you tell him about me?"

"What are you talking about?"  
"Just answer the question!" Willie's voice got a little shrill.  
Leo turned the lamp on. He was shocked to see tears on Willie's face. "Tell him what about you?"

"That he could have me?" 

Leo gaped at him. "I told him to leave you alone!"  
"I mean before that!"  
Leo's brain scrambled to make sense of this accusation. Suddenly he frowned. "You, you think I'm pimping you out?" He rubbed his face, hard. He knew Willie had some issues, but this was heading down the road to crazy talk. Willie stared, not answering, his eyes huge. Leo sighed. "You hadda lotta guys fuckin' you lately, Will?" Willie wrinkled his nose and shook his head. Leo wondered if Willie knew how distressed he looked. As calmly as he could, Leo said, "Alright, then common sense should tell you that no one's pimping you out. I woulda thought you knew me better than that anyway. Lie down and go to sleep."

"But we need the money! And Diego would--" 

Leo hurled himself at Willie without waiting to hear the end of that sentence. Enough was enough. He pinned Willie to the bed and held his head roughly. "I'm not him!" he shouted into Willie's scared face. Willie went limp beneath him, and his face blanked to a passive mask. Leo relaxed his grip, then ruffled Willie's hair in an attempt to unfrighten him. He went limp himself and tucked his head under Willie's chin and listened to Willie's heart beat too fast. He felt too sad to cry. It was like it didn't matter what he did or how hard he tried; Willie would always be on the edge of damaged. Pimp him out. Like Willie could even handle that kind of stress. He couldn't handle flirting in the laundromat. His heartbeat was slowing down though, so that was good. Willie's hand rubbed Leo’s shoulder. It felt good. Leo kissed Willie's chest. Willie stirred a little more forcefully and Leo reluctantly shifted off him, trying to ignore his swelling dick, which did not particularly care that he was sad and Willie was crazy. He turned the lamp off and got back under the covers.

In the dark, Willie said, "I'm sorry."  
Leo swallowed. "It's OK. I know you don't mean nothing bad."  
"I try not to think it."  
"I know. Don't worry. Go to sleep." Leo cleared his throat and decided to just try. "Is there something I do that reminds you? I could stop doing it."

Willie answered immediately, with certainty. "No. It's nothing you do. It's my problem."

Leo sighed. "OK." 

Willie turned away onto his side. "OK. Goodnight, Leo." 

Leo turned over as well and spooned up behind Willie, an arm around his waist. Willie froze but he didn't protest. Leo kissed his ear. "Goodnight, sweetheart." He watched the numbers on the alarm clock flick past. Twelve minutes in, Willie relaxed back against him. Leo smiled to himself. Most nights Willie wasn't so freaked out. That laundromat thing really threw him, or he had some other big crisis on his mind. Everything would be all right; it just takes people time to get over their traumas, he told himself. He stretched out one leg and told himself to have happy dreams and was just starting to fall asleep when Willie whispered, "Leo?" 

"Mmm?"  
"Are you awake?" Willie breathed.  
Leo forced his eyes open and stared into the darkness. "Yeah. What?" he whispered.

"It's not you. It's the laundry smells." Willie turned in his arms to see if he was listening. "Detergent. Bleach. Y'know."

Leo understood the words, but he didn't see what detergent and bleach had to do with it. "You wanna change brands?"

Willie turned again and pressed his face against Leo's shoulder. Leo rubbed his back. Willie said, "No. He worked in the laundry, the prison laundry. I had to meet him there. He did me on the f-f--"

Leo saw it in his mind's eye and hugged Willie tight. "Shhh," Leo soothed. "Oh honey. Oh baby." He kissed Willie's forehead and rubbed his back briskly. They had fought about the laundry ever since Willie had moved in. Leo thought of all the times he'd badgered and yelled and smacked about his right to clean clothes. He'd even spanked him. Now he felt stupid. He should have suspected there was some deeper reason than laziness for Willie's laundry avoidance. Willie wasn't lazy. He stroked Willie's hair and kissed his temple. "I'm so sorry, Willie." 

Willie shifted a little. "You didn't do nothing," he whispered. 

Leo snuggled him closer. "I been an asshole about the laundry. God, Willie, I didn't know!" 

Willie sighed. "I didn't tell you." 

"Why, though, hon? I wouldn't have made you do it." There was a long silence and Leo thought there wasn't going to be an answer. Probably Willie had had enough disclosure for one night. Willie shuddered a little in his arms and Leo realized he was crying again. He made shushing noises and whispered, "It's OK now. Go to sleep." 

"I didn't want you to know!" Willie wailed suddenly. "I'm not like that! Leo!" He twisted his head back, glaring, and pressed his hand against Leo's throat. 

Leo stroked Willie's face gently. "OK. I know that, Will. I know you." 

"OK."

"OK, sleep now."  


Willie pushed and shoved Leo over a bit and put his head down on Leo'spillow. "OK. 'Night, Leo."

"Night, baby."

 

**Monday, May 3**

Willie leaned against the tiled wall and wished he could stay in the shower all day. Leo would kill him if he did. He sighed and ducked his head under the streaming water one more time, slicking his hair back. Leo wouldn't even kill him. He'd just be upset and concerned and all that shit. Willie dried off and wondered what he was supposed to wear to this event. Monday morning domestic partnership declaration. Maybe a leash to show he’s housebroken and stuff. Or an apron to show how domestic he is. He sighed. It really wasn't funny. Leo was taking this very seriously. The hot shaky feeling tried to escape his stomach again and he forced it back down out of his chest. It's no big deal, he told himself. It's a fucking errand at City Hall, with a line to wait in. It's paperwork. 

After that though, he didn't know. He hoped Leo had been kidding about some kind of wedding night. Not that he didn't like sex with Leo. Probably it would just be like always only Leo would be extra emotional about it. He hoped that was all, and there wasn't any embarrassing special married sex position or something. Sometimes Leo had weird ideas. Willie tried again to figure out what Leo's angle was with this domestic partnership thing. He couldn't see what was in it for Leo, so it must just be some crazy hangup. Or love. He spit out toothpaste and frowned at himself in the mirror. Leo loved him, no question. But love doesn't mean there aren't ulterior motives. 

When Willie got out to the kitchen, Leo was there already, wearing black slacks and a t-shirt and drinking coffee. Leo's shirt and tie were hanging from a curtain rod, and his suitcoat was draped over the back of a chair. Willie frowned. All he had was the fifty-dollar polyester just-outta-jail suit he'd jobhunted in. He wrapped his robe tighter around himself and poured a cup of coffee. He sipped and stared out the window and wondered if Leo would be mad if he smoked so early. He glanced in Leo's direction, only to find Leo watching him. "Good morning, Will." 

"Morning. Mind if I smoke?" 

Leo sighed. Willie hated that sigh. Leo said, "Go ahead. Open the window, though, OK? Are ya nervous?" 

"No." The window stuck a little, and Willie slammed the heel of his hand against the frame and unstuck it. It felt good. Maybe he should join a gym where he could box. But that would cost money. He lit a cigarette and inhaled sharply, then sipped some more hot coffee. That was better. What did he have to be nervous about? Nothing bad was going to happen. What was Leo talking about? "Why?" He turned and studied Leo where he leaned against the counter. Leo shrugged and jingled the change in his pockets. "What time to do we have to be there?" 

Leo shrugged again. "Whenever we get there. It closes at five. So, I guess, four?" 

It was a little after eight am. Willie frowned. "Why are you dressed already?" 

"I'm not. I don't got my shirt and tie on."  
"Why are we up now, though?"  
"I woke up. Did I wake you? I got dressed out here so I wouldn't." 

"No." Willie didn't know how to explain that Leo's absence had woken him. He stared into his now empty coffee cup, then walked over to the counter and refilled it. "I'll, um, I'll go get ready." He brought his coffee into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and tried to think positive thoughts. There was a quiet knock on the door. That was Leo showing respect for his privacy, even though Leo paid all of the rent. "Come in," Willie croaked. He stood up so he wouldn't look so sulky, and untied his bathrobe like he was about to get dressed.

Leo looked all understanding. It was kind of embarrassing. Leo said, "You got time to have your coffee, Will. We can go after lunch. I'll cook us something." 

Willie shrugged. "OK. Whatever." 

Leo stepped closer, tilting his head and looking inquisitive, searching for the problem. Willie turned his back and sipped some more coffee. Leo's hands came down on his shoulders. Willie swallowed hard and made himself hold still. "You OK, Willie?" Leo's voice was kind. 

"Yeah, sure, Leo. Just, y'know, still waking up. Who's gonna be at this thing?" 

"What do you mean?" Leo let go of his shoulders and sat down on the bed, peering up at him.

"Who did you invite to the wedding? Did you call Justin?"  


Leo frowned. "Um, well, it's not really a wedding, like with a party. It's just signing off on the paperwork at City Hall. So, um, it's just you and me. But--"

"Oh, right, yeah." Willie muttered, feeling stupid. He was an idiot. Of course it wasn't really a wedding. That was just some idea Leo had. He walked over to his wardrobe, opened it, and rummaged busily in his underwear drawer so he wouldn't have to look at Leo.

The bed creaked and then Leo's hand rubbed at the small of his back. "Will? We're going to a party afterwards. Theresa's having a wedding supper for us at her place. You want me to call Justin and invite him?" 

Willie stood up, biting his tongue. What kind of wedding party did your husband's ex throw for you? And how had she and Leo planned a whole wedding party if they didn't have some kind of relationship to each other? Was it stupid to think he should have been consulted about his own wedding party? He tasted blood and forced himself to relax. "No, that's OK, Leo," he said. "It's too last minute for me to invite anyone." 

They waited in line at City Hall for a long time. Willie was very quiet. Leo had thought he'd be a little excited once they got there, but Willie just stood quietly staring at the hallway's industrial gray flooring. At the flower stand outside, Leo had offered to buy a couple of carnations for their lapels, but Willie had sneered that they were a waste of money. They were almost to the doorway of the registry office now. Leo hoped the wedding dinner at Theresa's would go OK. It had seemed like a good idea when they planned it. Theresa had wanted to meet Willie for months, and Willie was bound to be in a good mood after getting married. Leo hadn't expected all this sulking and anxiety. He didn't know any more ways to make Willie feel better. He's probably not really going to feel secure until a priest marries us, Leo thought. He made a mental note to himself to find some gay Catholics and ask their advice. Or even better, he could assign some research to the gay Catholic he was marrying. Leo would happily sit through any chanting candlelit nonsense that would settle Willie's mind.

The couple in front of them stepped forward and suddenly the doorway seemed to loom in front of them. Leo opened the manila envelope and pulled out their forms. All they had to do was sign in front of the notary and get them stamped. The office was smaller than it looked from outside; the counter just steps away. The woman at the desk wore her grey hair in a bun and her reading glasses on a cord around her neck, jumbled up with her necklaces. She raised the glasses to peer at them and then beckoned them forward. Leo took Willie's hand and led him to the counter. He put the paperwork on the desk and smiled at the woman. "We're here to file a civil partnership registration. We just need to sign it and pay the fee."

The woman smiled. "Well, congratulations. If you can show me some ID, you can sign and I'll notarize this and make it all official for you." She held out a pen. Leo pulled out his wallet and showed her his drivers license. "Very good, Mr. Handler." She handed him the pen. "And you, young man?" she asked Willie. Willie put his hand over his mouth. 

"Willie, show her your license," Leo said.  
"I-," Willie covered his face with his hands.  
Leo put the pen down and reached for Willie's wrist. "What?"  
"I forgot my wallet," Willie croaked.  
"You what?" Leo heard the roughness in his own voice and tried to hold his temper.

"I forgot it. I don't got no ID on me."  
"You forgot it," Leo repeated, trying to take it in.  
"You were rushing me!" Willie accused.  
Leo took a deep breath and turned back to the woman behind the counter. 

“Can you look him up on a computer or something?”  
She took the pen away and shook her head at him. "I'm sorry. I need to see ID to notarize this. Come another day with ID." She left their papers on the counter and turned her back to them, waiting for them to clear themselves away and make room for the next couple. Leo gathered the papers into the envelope and walked out of the room. He could hear Willie's footsteps behind him, but he didn't turn around. He needed some fresh air.

Halfway down the City Hall steps, he heard Willie call after him, but Leo kept walking until he reached the little park across the street. He sat down on a bench and lit a cigarette. Willie caught up and sat down quietly beside him, his hands folded in his lap, fingers twisting tensely. Leo couldn't believe the sneakiness of it. "Why didn't you just tell me you didn't wanna do it?" he demanded.

"I do! I just forgot my wallet!" Willie whined. 

Leo glared at him. "You left it so you'd have an excuse! I can't believe you're still lying to me." 

Willie looked shocked. His face crumpled and he sobbed, "I'm not lying!" He covered his face with his hands and wept silently, shoulders heaving. 

Leo resisted the automatic impulse to put an arm around him. He cleared his throat. "Let's go home. Let's get a taxi." He couldn't face the idea of spending an hour on the subway with Willie crying. There was a taxi stand outside City Hall. As soon as they climbed inside, Willie tugged Leo's arm up over his shoulders and curled against him. They went twenty blocks in silence before Willie asked quietly, "Am I in trouble?" 

"For what?"  
"For fucking up and forgetting my ID."  
"You don't think you kinda let yourself forget kinda by accident on purpose?"

"No! I told you I would do it. I just forgot!"  
Leo patted Willie's arm. "We'll talk about it when we get home, Will." 

Willie clutched at Leo's thigh and pressed harder against him, but he didn't say anything else. Leo tried to calm down. Did he think Willie didn't love him? No. Willie obviously loved him. But he didn't want to file those papers. It made Leo nervous. How could he protect him when Willie wouldn't cooperate with the legal shit? He closed his eyes and leaned his head back and thought about how it would be to not be in charge of stuff. 

By the time Leo paid the cabbie and went upstairs, Willie was already in the bedroom. Leo kicked his shoes off and walked down the hallway, but he stopped short in the bedroom doorway. Willie was naked on the bed, on his knees and elbows, with the hairbrush and a belt lying next to him. Leo felt weary. He crossed the room, knocked the implements onto the floor, and flopped backwards across the bed. He patted Willie's shoulder. "That's not the answer, Willie." 

"But I let you down." Willie buried his face in the covers. 

Leo stretched. It felt good. "Yeah, you did. You know what's interesting though?" 

Willie's voice was muffled. "Nothing. You should punish me." 

Leo crossed his arms over his stomach. "If you really did just forget your ID, and you really wanted to file the papers, how come we didn't just ask the cabbie to wait while you ran up to get your wallet and ID?" 

Willie flopped down onto his stomach. He pulled the top of the bedspread down and rolled over, covering himself in the bright green fabric. He stared at the ceiling. There was a long silence and then Willie whispered, "I don't want to file the papers. But I would rather file them than break up." 

Leo felt a wave of relief, but he wasn't sure whether it was for the truth or the reassurance. "I don't wanna break up neither." 

"So we won't then?" Willie sounded a little hopeful.  
"No. Let's not. Let's stay together."  
"OK, Leo." Willie pulled an arm out of his covers cocoon and grabbed Leo's hand tightly. Leo turned onto his side and hugged him close for a minute. "Why don't you wanna file the papers, Will?"

Willie sighed. "You'll think I'm crazy."  
"Tell me anyway." 

"I feel like it's gonna get used against us somehow." He looked closely at Leo. "I know I saw the form, and it seems fine, but it just, it's not married, and if we're not married, then why do they got a form about who I'm fucking, you know? It's none of their business." 

Leo ran his fingers through Willie's hair. "You sure it's not a fear of commitment thing?" 

Willie closed his eyes. Leo thought he wasn't going to answer. After a minute, Willie said, "You said when I moved in, that made us husbands. Remember?" 

"Yeah."  
"So I thought we already were committed."  
Leo squeezed him. "I'm totally committed to you. But I think filing the papers would protect us."

"I know, I know I sound stupid, Leo. I know. It's not that I don't believe you."

"What?" 

"I don't believe them. I don't believe it will get us all that stuff they say. I think they'll use it against us." 

"Who will? Who's they, Willie?" 

"I don't know! Cops or nazis or somebody! It's like, fag registration." Willie shifted in his arms and Leo let him sit up. Willie sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the carpet. Waiting to be told how stupid he is, Leo realized. He considered that Willie's finely honed sense of paranoia probably had helped him survive in jail. 

He rubbed Willie's back gently. "OK. We got a couple hours before we gotta leave for Theresa's. You wanna take a nap?" 

"We still gotta go to that?" 

"It's all planned now. Anyway, you can't avoid her forever. I'll call her and explain that we didn't actually file the papers. We're still married, right?" 

"Yeah, I guess." Willie sounded doubtful.  
"You guess? What about us being husbands?"  
"Yeah, OK."  
Leo's heart sank a little at the lack of enthusiasm, but there was no point in going over it all again. He cleared his throat. "Well, it don't have to be a wedding party. It can be just a dinner party, and you can meet her."

"Whatever." Willie turned around and crawled to his side of the bed and got under the covers. "Nap sounds good." 

The lobby of Theresa's building was much nicer than their own. Willie braced himself for the gorgeousness of Leo's ex-girlfriend. He had dressed up a little, with slacks and a silky shirt, because Leo wanted to show him off. He knew because Leo had asked him to leave his hair loose, and Leo never made requests about how he looked. Willie felt like he looked too gay with his silky clothes and his long hair, but he had disappointed Leo enough already. He couldn't get over the sad look on Leo's face when they'd left City Hall. It was a bad time to see the ex, when Leo was so disappointed with him. Better for her to see that Leo was totally happy with him. Which would be easier to show if it was actually true, Willie mused. 

When they got off the elevator, a woman's voice sang "Hellooo" in a very flirtatious way. Willie followed Leo down the corridor and then froze when he saw the short old bald woman who was hellooing at them. Maybe she was Theresa's mother. She was wearing way too much black eye makeup, like an evil clown. Willie walked faster to catch up with Leo but the hallway was narrow and he ended up following him. As they got closer Willie saw that the woman wasn't actually bald; she had a light blonde crewcut. She had long dripping earrings and a nose ring and an eyebrow ring and one of those little studs under her lip. She was wearing leather pants and a carefully ripped and sloppily painted t-shirt. Willie focused on keeping a polite face. Leo was helloing back and then he hugged the creature and kissed her cheek and ran his fingers over the stubble on her head. The woman grinned and snuggled against him for a minute, and Willie realized this was no one's mother. This was the ex. She was old and homely but Leo didn't seem to realize. Willie smoothed his hair behind his ears self-consciously. No wonder Leo liked him to keep it long. 

Leo pulled back from the ugly one and said, smiling happily, "Willie, I'd like you to meet Theresa Kelly, my friend from work. Treese, this is my husband Will Gutierrez." Willie's head snapped up. Leo had never called him that outside the house before. 

Theresa looked confused as well. "I thought you said you didn't..." she murmured. 

Leo smiled. "We don't need a piece of paper to say who we are, Treese." Then the woman reached up and kissed Willie's cheek and squealed at him that she was happy to see him. Willie’s skin crawled, but he managed a customer service smile. This dinner was shaping up to be worse than he thought. There were already people here and in the rush of exclamations and introductions, it became clear that he and Leo were the last to arrive, that they were in fact late. Willie was surprised because Leo hadn't hurried him at all. Willie recognized Pat, who was with a gorgeous, stately brunette who must be Marilyn. She was wearing a grey business suit with boots, but Pat was wearing tight gym shorts and a tank top. He was barefoot. It made Willie nervous. There was a pretty young blonde woman with great round tits who was also barefoot. She was wearing a blue leather collar, and was apparently naked beneath her thin semi-transparent dress. There were two more men wearing jeans, one of them shirtless, whispering like they were a couple. The shorter one looked Latino, Willie thought. Theresa went around the room doing introductions. Marilyn and Pat smiled at them pleasantly enough. The Latino-looking guy was named Carlos, and the white guy with him was his boyfriend Donny. Carlos worked in the hospital cafeteria with Theresa. Theresa introduced last the pretty girl. Her name was Robin, and she was Theresa's "sub." Robin smiled at them briefly, and didn't seem to mind being introduced that way. Theresa finished by introducing them to everyone, "This is my dear friend Leo and his husband Will." 

Pat grinned at them but he didn't say anything. He had stood up when they came into the room, and when he sat back down again, his chair was much lower than Marilyn's. Willie looked around the room and saw that Robin's chair was much lower than the empty one at the head of the table that must be Theresa's. And Carlos's chair was lower than Donny's, although Carlos wasn't silent like the other subs. Theresa led them to another mismatched pair of chairs, pointing Leo to the taller one. Willie bit his lip and looked at the low footstool in front of him. The food was on the table already, not that it looked that great: chicken wings and some kind of casserole and salad and bread. He told himself to look on the upside. As a sub, he wouldn't have to talk to anyone like he would have to if he were an equal. He realized suddenly that no one was talking; they were all waiting for him and Leo to sit down. His knees felt locked. Then Leo's arm came around his waist and pulled him close, and Leo kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "You sit in the chair, honey. It's OK." Leo started to step around him, to sit on the footstool.

Willie was shocked. "No! Leo!" He yanked Leo a step back and scurried past him and sat in the low seat. He stared down at his knees and they were so close that he just put his hands on them and curled up and put his head on his hands and closed his eyes. Fuck these people. Fuck them all. This was totally stupid. He’d seen the Dom/sub movies and they were a lot cooler than these stupid geeks with their mismatched furniture. Leo's fingers combed gently through his hair, and then flicked gently at his earlobe. He turned his head and looked up. People were talking again. 

Leo smiled gently at him and smoothed his hair some more. Leo put a couple of marinated chicken wings on Willie's plate, and then some buttery corn niblets and potatoes and a roll. Then he started to fill his own plate. The table had fallen silent again. Willie was afraid they were all staring at him, but when he looked they were busy with their own dinners. Pat was serving Marilyn and Robin was serving Theresa. Carlos was feeding himself but he was tending to Donny, refilling his water glass and handing him utensils. Leo seemed oblivious though. He asked Carlos to pass the water jug. 

"Of course, Sir," Carlos murmured. He stood up and walked around to stand next to Leo's chair, on the other side from Willie. "Allow me, Sir." With Leo's water glass in one hand and the mostly full pitcher in the other, Carlos sank to his knees and slowly poured the water. He put the pitcher on the table and held the glass up to Leo like an offering. He said, "To slake your thirst, sir." 

Without even thinking about it, Willie hurled himself across Leo's lap. He grabbed the glass and threw the water into Carlos's face. "Don't touch him!" he snarled in Spanish. "Get away from him or I'll cut your balls off, you cocksucking son of a whore." He struggled to his feet and glared down at Leo, then grabbed the pitcher of water. In English, he demanded, "Do you want a fucking drink or what? What the hell is wrong with you?" Leo didn't answer him, and Willie slowly realized how quiet the room was and how upset Leo looked. He glanced around the table and saw shocked faces. Carlos was whimpering and crawling back around to Donny. Willie put the pitcher down on the table and said, "I wanna go home, Leo."

Leo rose slowly to his feet. At the look on his face, Willie's stomach flipped over. That was his strict look, the penalty phase of dealing with Leo. Willie put his arms up in front of him, though it was unlikely Leo would strike him anywhere except his butt. Leo caught his wrists and turned him around to face Carlos. "You apologize to Carlos right now, Willie." 

"Lo siento." 

Leo smacked his ass hard, right there in front of everyone. Willie couldn't help jerking a little at the impact. He felt his eyes tearing up. Why was Leo humiliating him? Leo said, "Apologize sincerely, please." 

"I'm sorry I threw the water at you. It's only water." 

Leo smacked him again, harder, right in the same spot. "Don't diminish what you did. Apologize for it. Also for the things you said." 

"You don't even speak Spanish; you don't know what I said," Willie muttered. 

He felt the sudden increase in Leo's irritation like a kind of buzzing in the air between them. He hoped that finally Leo would take him home. He didn't even care if Leo spanked him when they got there, then they could make up and be home and happy again and not in this stupid dinner thing with these horrible people. He looked boldly at Leo and waited to be told he would have to be taken home in shame as unfit for socializing. Leo looked furious, flushed red right to the edges of his ears. To Willie's surprise, Leo turned to the table and said quietly, "Will you please excuse us? Treese, may we borrow your bedroom?" 

"Absolutely." 

Leo turned back to Willie. "Come with me." He started to walk away, holding Willie's wrist, but Willie's feet wouldn't move. He didn't want to go to that bitch's bedroom for any reason whatsoever. He wanted to leave. Leo turned around and said very softly, "I said come with me. Unless you'd rather be disciplined in front of everyone?" 

Disciplined? Willie's feet moved but his mouth hung open and his mind reeled. Leo couldn't punish him here, in public. Leo led him down the hallway and into a feminine bedroom with white furniture and piles of clothes everywhere. Leo shoved him towards the bed and then closed the door. He picked up a lethal-looking hairbrush from the dresser and said, "Take your pants down."

"Leo--" 

Leo's voice deepened. "I didn't tell you to talk. I told you to take your pants down. Don't make me do it for you." 

"Don't be mad at me!" 

"If you stall for one more minute, I'll use my belt on you after the hairbrush. I'm gonna count to three, and after three, I start adding on with the belt. One--" 

Willie tore his pants down, choking on panic. Leo sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Willie over his lap. He lifted the tail of his dress shirt out of the way and held him close. "You want a pillow to hold?" 

"No, they all smell like that bitch." 

Leo smacked the hairbrush down without warning and Willie yelled. Leo asked, "Why are you being so hostile to my friends?" 

"Because it's some freaky kinky bullshit! You didn't tell me it would be like this!" 

Leo rubbed the small of his back. "Like what? No one was making you do anything kinky. I offered you the taller chair. All you had to do was eat your chicken. I was hoping that in a while you might smile or make small talk with someone. Instead you attack another guest. For chrissakes, Willie. What is your problem?" Willie started to raise himself up to answer, but Leo smacked the hairbrush down again. "Stay down there. We're not done. You can answer me from there." 

Willie clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms. "What's the point? Beat me and get it over with." There was a very long silence. Willie clenched his butt but no more smacks came. When he dared to look back over his shoulder, Leo was covering his face with his hands. Willie rolled off his lap and sat next to him. "Leo?" 

Leo lowered his hands and his voice was absolutely stone cold. "I thought I told you to hold still. You're so messed up, man."

"I'm messed up? They're the ones--"  
Leo's hand slapped his face hard, hard enough to turn his head. "Shut up!” he yelled. “Stop talkin' back to me! I'm the papa here!"

Willie clutched his burning face, shocked. Leo had never done that before. He felt tears starting and tried to curl up on the bed, but Leo grabbed him and held onto his chin, staring at him hard, ignoring his tears. "There are times for you to speak up, and there are times for you to shut up and do what your papi says. You do what I want tonight. You got that?"

Willie nodded, choking a little. His tears seemed to come faster, but Leo meanly ignored them. He just pushed Willie back down on the bed and started spanking him. It was just his hand this time, but Leo hit hard and it hurt. Willie rolled out of reach, thinking they should talk some more. The hairbrush whistled down against his thigh and he shrieked. Leo grabbed his arm and snarled at him, "You fuckin' hold still, Willie. If I gotta chase you, it's gonna hurt worse. You should be ashamed, a grown man scared to take his spanking." Willie held still and tried not to suffocate on the lump in his throat. Leo's hand smacked down on his ass and thighs, over and over, in the same few spots. Willie trembled but didn't move. He should be ashamed. Leo was ashamed of him. He waited for Leo to pick up the hairbrush again. He would hold still for that too if Leo wanted. Leo's hand rubbed the small of his back, just above his tender burning ass. Willie didn't move. Leo stroked his hair gently and rubbed his shoulder. "It's OK to cry, hon." Willie didn't dare cry, because what if he couldn't stop again? The bed shifted as Leo lay down next to him and pulled him close. Willie pressed himself against Leo's chest as hard as he could. Leo kept petting his hair and didn't seem so mad anymore. Finally Leo kissed his forehead and asked, "You gonna behave yourself now, Will?" 

"Yes, sir," Willie whispered. 

"Good boy. That's my good boy. Let's get your clothes straightened out." Leo helped him to his feet and patted his sore ass proprietarily before pulling his pants up, tucking his shirt in carefully. Then he pulled Willie down to sit in his lap. It wasn't very comfortable, but Willie tried not to squirm. At least Leo was hugging him close. "Now you listen," Leo said.

"Yes, sir."

"I am your husband. No one is going to steal me away from you. It doesn't matter what some sub does with my water glass. It's just flirting at dinner, Will. I'm with you. You can count on that." Willie didn't know what to say. Leo asked, "Are we clear on that?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Alright. Now. One more thing. If you think that I beat you, then you got no business sitting here on my lap with your head on my shoulder. If you think I'm abusing you, then you should be calling 911 right now. And I swear to you, if you say the word, I will help you find another apartment and help you move and help you find a job-- I won't just throw you in the street. You're not trapped, Will. You're not stuck with me. You can leave me and never miss a meal." 

Willie didn't know what to say. He'd hurt Leo's feelings. Again. His eyes leaked harder. He moved his head a little so he could press his lips against Leo's neck. He slid his hand up and drew his thumb gently along Leo's jaw, right where that muscle jumped when he was upset. After a minute, Leo captured his hand and kissed his palm gently. Willie raised his head and met Leo's eyes for a split second and then stared down at his chest. Leo squeezed his fingers. Willie looked up. Leo asked, "You gonna say anything?" 

Willie sniffed and cleared his throat. "I'm stuck here with love," he croaked. 

Leo snorted and smiled and hugged him hard. "You're a goof, baby. OK, I'm stuck on you too. Let's go back out there and finish dinner, and don't attack anybody else, alright?" 

Willie's stomach lurched at the very idea of letting them all see him like this, freshly spanked and emotional, but he'd rather puke than go against Leo at the moment. Leo led them to the bathroom so they could wash their faces and drink some water, and then he held Willie's hand and led the way back to the dining room. Everyone said hello very cheerfully, like they'd just been away on an errand, like they hadn't heard any spanking or shrieking. Leo squeezed his hand. Willie stared at the carpet and mumbled, "I'm sorry for causing trouble." 

There was a chorus of "no problems" and "that's OKs." Leo kissed his temple and whispered, "Good job. My good boy. Sit down and try to eat something."

Dinner seemed to drag on forever. The footstool felt very hard, but Willie tried to sit still. He wished he could just get on his knees and put his head in Leo's lap and close his eyes, but probably Leo wouldn't want him to do that in public. He wanted to stay "my good boy" for the rest of the evening. He stared at the hem of the tablecloth and waited for the evening to be over. 

Hideous Theresa carried in a white cake with frosting flowers on the edges of it. There was a space in the middle where something could be written, but it was just smeared plain frosting. Leo shifted in his chair, and Willie realized suddenly that it had been a wedding cake, only they'd scraped off the writing when Willie had screwed up the wedding. Leo cleared his throat and there was a strange little silence, and then everyone started talking too loudly about who wanted cake and who wanted coffee. 

Willie's stomach turned over. He stared hard at the carpet and focused on not puking. This was supposed to have been a happy wedding party, but so far it had been a non-wedding party where Leo was embarrassed by his bad behavior. That had been a bad idea to sabotage the process. That had been chickenshit. All that bullshit about government interference in his life when really he was too stupid to see that Leo was the only one who cared enough about him to interfere in his life. Leo wouldn't have a plan that was bad for them. Leo's plans were about things like dinner parties with wedding cake, and surprise trips to romantic weekends, and making more money, and wonderful stuff like that. He saw tears falling onto his napkin in his lap, and picked it up to cover his face. He couldn't cry here. He couldn't embarrass Leo anymore. 

Leo nudged him. "Do you want coffee, hon?" he repeated for someone. Willie nodded behind his napkin. Leo said, "Yes please. He likes it black with sugar." Leo's arm came around his shoulders. "You alright?" he asked softly. Willie nodded again. "What's wrong, sweetie?" 

Willie took a deep breath and whispered, "I wish I had brought my ID!" The last bit came out squeaky and then to his horror there was a weepy sob sound. "I'm sorry!" He held his breath and tried to stop. 

Leo slid to his knees beside Willie's low chair and pulled him into his arms. "Oh baby. Me too. It's OK. We'll just do it tomorrow or something. Don't worry. No problem." 

"I'm so stupid!" Willie moaned. 

"You're just careful," Leo said. He sounded like he was smiling. "Smart and careful." 

Theresa's grating voice came from close by. "Well?" 

Leo pulled a few inches away to answer her. "Everything's fine. We're gonna reschedule the domestic partnership registration." There were pleased noises all around the table. Willie looked up, startled. Theresa clapped her hands gleefully and said, "Excellent! Alright! I guess that makes this, um, a wedding shower." Suddenly the other people got up and walked into the hallway. Leo kissed Willie's lips and smiled at him, a smile that seemed to Willie like the bright spot of the whole day. 

The other people returned carrying gifts wrapped in silver paper. Willie wondered who the gifts were for. Leo laughed and smiled and accepted a beribboned box from Donny. He handed the box to Willie. “It’s for both of us,” he said. “Do you wanna open it?” Willie crossed his arms and shook his head. He didn’t understand why strangers were giving him presents. Leo seemed happy about it, though. The present from Carlos and Donny was a blender. 

"To make fruity drinks!" they laughed. 

Willie didn’t see what was so funny about it. Leo thanked them and nudged Willie. “Won’t you like that, hon?” he cued. 

Willie hated fruity drinks. Leo was giving him a look though. He cleared his throat and said, “I can make gazpacho. Thank you.” 

Pat walked around the table carrying a large silver-wrapped lump. He smirked and shoved it at Leo. Leo tore the paper off to reveal black wedge-shaped pillows, a big one and a small one. Leo frowned. Pat grinned. "Sex pillows. They're excellent. They totally save your back. You'll love 'em." 

"Oh, those are wonderful!" Theresa cooed. 

Leo shoved the large pillow into Willie’s lap. "Feel that!" Leo stood up and hugged Pat. "Thank you, man." Leo sounded emotional. He was always worrying what his friends thought. Willie smoothed the slick fabric with his palm and imagined himself bent over the cushiony, supportive wedge. He wondered if everyone else was imagining it too.

It seemed quiet suddenly and he looked up to find Pat crouching in front of him. Willie looked up at Leo, who stepped closer and rubbed his shoulder. Pat said, "Congratulations, Will." He didn't sound sarcastic. He seemed to be waiting for an answer. 

Willie cleared his throat. "It's, it's not, he's sweet to me." 

Leo rubbed Willie’s back, between his shoulderblades, and leaned down and kissed his ear. "Alright, Pat," Leo said. "He likes them. Thanks again." 

Pat stood up. "What's he talking about?" 

Leo sounded happy. "He's a little overwhelmed, that's all. Let it go. They're great pillows." 

"We have some. We love them."  
Leo laughed. "Well, we'll give you a consumer report in a few days, OK?" Willie carefully put the pillow beside him on the floor to keep himself from 

hiding his face in it. That would be too much of a visual. Why was Leo talking about their sex life to people? It should just be private, Willie thought miserably. He reminded himself that Leo would never share him with anyone, so it didn't matter. Not that he was such a big attraction. He had been pretty decent for a prison bitch, but people outside had more options. Leo could have Carlos, for instance, if he wanted him, even if Leo thought that was just flirting. Carlos looked young, too; he was probably five years younger. He'd probably hold still and be grateful for spankings, if he ever even did anything bad. Stop, Willie told himself. Leo's not interested in that. He's taking you back to City Hall tomorrow to sign all the forms. He looked up at Leo to find him hugging Theresa tightly. Willie frowned. He'd missed something. Leo was clutching an envelope. "You shouldn't have done that!" Leo protested, sounding all emotional. 

Willie stood up and tugged on Leo's arm, lifting it off Theresa's shoulder. "What? What should she not do? Leo!" He tugged harder. This hugging had gone on long enough. "Leo! What's going on?" 

Leo stepped back from Theresa and turned to him, but he still had his hand on Theresa's waist. He brandished the envelope. "Read it, Willie."

Willie put his hands behind his back. "Read what? Show me!"  


Leo sighed and let go of Theresa. "It's not attractive, baby." He opened the envelope and held out the card. "Read."

The card had a picture of a farmhouse. "It's not so bad," Willie said, making no move to touch it.

Leo gave him a hard look. "Quit it, Willie. Read the card." Willie hesitated. "I mean it." Leo put his free hand on Willie's hip, and Willie realized Leo would spank him again if he was rude, even though he had agreed to the legal papers. He stepped away from Leo's hand and took the card. Leo folded his arms and waited. Inside the card it said, "Wishing you all happiness, love, Theresa." There was a gift certificate for four nights at a country inn, the same one they'd been to for Valentine's Day. Willie did the math in his head. Four nights was more than $500. Why would Theresa spend $500 for Leo to be romantic with him? Did she think Leo would take her instead? Would Leo take her to the same room with the hot tub and the window that looked over the meadow? He remembered nestling against Leo's chest in the hot tub after they made love, looking at the feathers of frost on the window and at the shadows of the deer in the moonlit meadow. The night had been so quiet out there away from the city. He'd felt so good and normal with Leo, like it was right for them to be together, and Leo had been so kind and gentle to him. The card blurred in front of his eyes. Leo's arm came around his shoulders. "What, baby?"

Willie croaked, "You're gonna take her there?" 

Leo pulled him into a hug and whispered, "No, no, Willie. I'm takin' you, hon. It's a present for us." He sounded unhappy. 

Theresa said, "Why would he--" 

Leo cut her off. "It's fine. He's overwhelmed, OK? Just, let it go, Treese. He didn't think anyone would be so generous, that's all. It's a very generous gift." 

"Well, it's not every day your best friend gets married. I'm glad you like it." 

"We do. We love it," Leo answered.  
Willie pulled free from Leo's arms and glared at Theresa. "He's my best friend!" he told her. "And I'm his best friend! Not you!"

Theresa blushed and then turned away and headed for the kitchen. She said, "I'm getting another drink. Does anyone want one?" Robin followed her. Pat yelled something about beer. Leo held Willie's chin and made him look at him. Leo looked disappointed. Willie couldn't meet his eyes. 

"Are you done?" Leo asked gently. Willie nodded. Leo stroked his shoulder. "Alright. Go downstairs and wait on the steps for me. Have a cigarette and calm down. I'll say goodbye and be down in a few minutes." 

"I don't wanna--" 

"Willie. Don't argue. Go downstairs and wait for me. Calm yourself down. Say goodbye now. Go on." 

Willie looked around the room. They were all staring at him. Suddenly sitting on the steps and having a cigarette sounded like a great idea. He almost ran out of the apartment. 

When they got home, Leo said, "I'm taking a shower." It was the first thing he'd said since "Get into the taxi." Willie put the sex pillows and the blender on the dining room table, threw his jacket over a chair, and followed Leo to the bathroom. Leo turned at the bathroom door and stared at him. "Do you need to get in here?" 

Willie started unbuttoning his shirt. He meant to sound cheerful but his voice came out in a whisper. "I'll shower with you." 

Leo's hand on his shoulder was gentle. "No. I need a few minutes to myself, hon. I think maybe you do too. I won't be long." Willie wondered if Leo was going to jerk off in the shower, fantasizing about Theresa. The very idea of it made him furious. Leo frowned at his angry face. "I won't be long," he repeated. “I’m just gonna take a shower.” 

Willie thought about offering Leo something more interactive, like a blowjob maybe. Only what if Leo just closed his eyes and thought about her anyway? He couldn't actually stop Leo from thinking, not without killing him. Willie's stomach turned over. "OK," he said, but it came out like a croak. He walked back down the hallway to the living room and turned on the TV and sat on the couch. As soon as the bathroom door shut and the shower started, he curled up on his side and pulled the serape off the back of the couch to cover himself, pulling the striped blanket up over his head.

He closed his eyes there in the darkness and tried to think. Leo isn't leaving me, he reminded himself. He's trying to marry me. His nasty friends just gave us presents. None of them are so nasty that they're murderers though. Willie figured he must be the worst person Leo knew. No wonder Leo fantasized about other people. But so what if he did? Willie fantasized about Xena sometimes and it didn't mean he didn't want Leo. But she was just a TV person, not a real life person he knew. Willie tried to think if he knew any fuckable women personally. A couple of the girls from the music store, but it's not like they'd kept in touch. Pat's girlfriend was beautiful but also seemed like a cold bitch. Theresa's girlfriend, actually, though apparently she was on the other team. Willie frowned. Wasn't he technically on the other team now too? Is that why he didn't know any fuckable women anymore? Like all those people who quit smoking and now nobody got matches? Was Leo on his team or on the woman-fucking team now, assuming that ugly dyke Theresa even counted as a woman. Willie wondered if she had done kinky things to Leo. She better not have touched his butt. In fact, that was it. He really wanted to fuck Leo. That would show who belonged to who. Willie rubbed his eyes. How was he gonna do that when Leo couldn’t stand the sight of him? 

Leo visualized his stress going down the drain, all the tension sluiced off with the warm water. They needed one of those massaging shower heads, he decided. He needed a massage, really. He wondered if it would be really stupid to ask Willie for a backrub. Willie was a little upset with him right now. But he had badly needed a few minutes to himself with no miserable Willie making him feel bad. Leo held his face up to the shower and admitted the truth to himself. Willie had embarrassed him. He'd wanted his friends to like Willie, to see how great he was, but mostly what they saw was crazy paranoid freak boy. It had been embarrassing to have to call Theresa and explain that they’d backed out of the civil partnership registration. And now Willie said he'd go tomorrow, but by tomorrow he could easily have talked himself out of it again. Because obviously Leo wanted to get married a lot more than Willie did. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He totally loves me, Leo reminded himself. He lets me friggin' spank him.

And slap his face, Leo remembered. Willie had looked so shocked at that, shocked and somehow frightened, and then he hadn't cried. He hadn't -- Leo didn't know how to explain it. Usually when he spanked Willie, they ended up snuggled together and feeling better, but at Theresa's Willie had just sort of withdrawn. Leo opened his eyes and started soaping in earnest. He remembered his therapist talking about other people's shoes. Leo rinsed off and reached for a towel. He imagined that Willie took him somewhere to meet his friends, which assumed that Willie had friends, but hypothetically. And they argued. And Willie took him aside and spanked him. Leo couldn't see it happening; it was too hypothetical. But the face slapping had been too much, he thought now. You were mad at him; he was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And you said he should be ashamed. And you told him to wait outside. And you know how easily he gets embarrassed about personal stuff, but you spanked him. And poor Willie had blushed like a fire engine when Pat gave them sex pillows. Leo had thought it was cute until that thing about him being sweet, which had sounded so defensive and unhappy. Like Willie was ashamed of him too, trying to say he wasn't always so mean. Had he really thought Carlos was trying to steal him? Or Theresa? He saw Theresa had a girlfriend. He's just so horribly insecure. Leo brushed his teeth. Of course, it didn't help someone to feel more secure when you humiliated them. 

Leo wrapped himself up in his robe and walked quietly back towards the living room. Willie was curled up under the throw at the end of the couch. Along with the noise of the TV was a faint whimpering sound. Leo picked the clicker up from the coffee table and snapped the TV off. Willie fell abruptly silent and peered out from the edge of the blanket. Leo said firmly, "I want you to get in bed now please. You can use the bathroom and brush your teeth or whatever, but then I want you in the bed. I'll be in shortly. Go on now." 

Willie scrambled up from the far end of the couch and walked as wide an arc around him as he could manage in the small living room. Then he pounded down the hallway and slammed the bathroom door. Leo rearranged the throw on the sofa and brought a couple of bottles of water to their bedroom. He smoothed the sheets, dimmed the lighting, and tuned the radio to the quiet classical music station, keeping the volume low. He didn't know what he was going to do to fix this. He would offer to let Willie spank him, but that idea seemed to mess up their arrangement, and he didn't think it would make either of them more comfortable. He was supposed to be a Top, wasn't he? The dominant one? He wished he could ask Theresa what she thought, but probably she didn't think anything of it, because if she'd thought there was something wrong she wouldn't have let them use her bedroom. But him being the papa was supposed to help Willie feel better, and this hadn't. 

There was a sound in the doorway and Leo looked up to see Willie standing there naked, head bowed, his hand over his dick. Leo walked over and took his other hand. Willie's toes grabbed at the carpet, and his body was stiff with tension. He's afraid, Leo realized. He thinks I'm going to punish him again. Leo led him to the edge of the bed. Willie sat down tentatively. Leo handed him a bottle of water and a painkiller. "Take this please, Will." Willie swallowed it without question, without even looking at it. He never looked above Leo's knees. Leo started to feel tense himself. "OK. Lie down face down on the bed please." Willie moved smoothly into position and spread his legs. His butt was still a little pink from this afternoon. Leo sat beside him and smoothed chilled body lotion onto Willie's butt and back and thighs. Willie jumped at his first touch but then held still. The body lotion smelled nice, like lime. Leo rubbed gently and tried to think of something to say. He still couldn't think of a smooth way to handle it. He cleared his throat. "Willie?" 

"Si, papi?" A whisper. 

God, he loved him so much. "Um, I'm sorry for slapping your face before. At Theresa's. I shouldn't have done that. I'm really sorry. I lost my temper. I apologize." 

Willie let out a long shuddering sigh. After a few seconds he said huskily, "I deserve it."

Leo stopped rubbing and watched Willie clench up, maybe anticipating more punishment. Leo lay down beside Willie and pulled the covers up over them. Willie kept his hands over his face. Leo asked carefully, "Is it OK if I hold you?" Willie shifted a few millimeters closer. Leo slid his arms around him. He stroked Willie's hair gently, and rubbed his shoulders. He spoke very quietly, his mouth next to Willie's ear. "You don't deserve to be humiliated. That was wrong of me, Willie. I made a mistake in being a papi that time. I'm sorry. You should be ashamed of me."

"No!" Willie whimpered. "I love you." 

Leo hugged him tight. "And I love you, sweetie. So much. I'm embarrassed how I behaved today. I made you feel embarrassed with my friends, when you were already nervous with them. I was an asshole. It's all my fault." 

"I attacked a guy for giving you water." 

"Well, yeah. That wasn't good. But I should have waited and spanked you when we got home." 

Willie shifted a little, rearranging against him more comfortably. Leo felt Willie's hand move and come to rest against his neck, familiar, not covering his face quite as much. Willie whispered, "Maybe you wanted your friends to know you're in charge." 

"It's not their business though." 

"Well, you don't want them to think I'm bad all the time and you're just stuck with me." 

"But I shoulda thought it through, cuz I know you get embarrassed, and that shoulda told me not to do anything around other people." 

"I'm stupid to get embarrassed, though."  
"No you're not stupid at all, Willie. I'm the stupid one today."  
"No, papi," Willie whispered.  
"Si," Leo said. He sighed. "I was mad, about the papers at city hall. I had--" He swallowed hard. "I was disappointed. But it’s OK. We'll do it another day." Willie kissed his cheek, and Leo smiled, despite everything.

"Tomorrow," Willie said. "We said tomorrow, Leo. we'll go back tomorrow."

"OK, good." 

They lay there for a little while. The quiet classical music ended and a commercial came on, an ad for a local car dealership, touting its great deals on trade-ins. Willie shifted a little, but when Leo loosened his grip, Willie hugged him harder, so Leo held him tight again. Not long after, Willie started snoring quietly. Leo lay awake listening to him for a long time.

  


**Tuesday, May 4**

Willie was more cheerful the next morning. He didn't burst into song or anything, but he smiled and said good morning and got right into the shower. Leo waited for him in the kitchen and hoped the cheerfulness would last. He got breakfast ready and set the table, carefully placing the small black velvet box next to Willie's coffee cup. He hoped he didn’t look cheap, using a hand-me-down ring. He hoped Willie wouldn't laugh at him. He felt nervous, but he told himself he was being ridiculous. 

Willie came to breakfast in his bathrobe, his hair curly and unruly from the shower. He carried his coffee cup over to the coffee maker, pausing to peck Leo's cheek on the way. "Mornin', Leo," he said. 

"Mornin'. Want me to cook you somethin'?" 

Willie turned around and leaned on the counter, sipping his coffee. "No. I can just have cereal. You can take me to lunch later, if you want." He smiled invitingly. 

"OK, sure." Leo cleared his throat. "So you wanna go this morning, then?" 

Willie shrugged. "Yeah, may as well get it over." Leo turned around to hide his face. He fiddled with his silverware and then poured himself some cereal. It was just a joke. The cereal was fuckin' Lucky Charms, which was what he got for letting Willie do the grocery shopping. He sat down and used his spoon to fish the marshmallow bits out of his bowl and pile them on a saucer. Willie sat down and poured his own cereal, then topped it with Leo's saucer of discarded marshmallow bits. He looked at Leo's face and said, "That was a joke, what I said, get it over, joke." 

"Ha ha," Leo replied.  
"Leo!"  
"Just eat." Willie sighed and reached for his coffee, then saw the black velvet box and froze. He looked guardedly at Leo. "Open it," Leo said.

Willie picked up the box, biting his lip. The box opened with a loud creak. 

It was a gold claddagh ring. Leo had had it for years. It had been his father's wedding ring, but he'd left it on the nightstand when he'd walked out. Leo's mother had let him keep it so long as he promised she wouldn't have to see it. Willie's face was noncommittal. He took the ring out of the box and looked at the engraving. It said "6-21-70 Len & Val" on the inside. Leo had been born a month later. That's how he found out he'd been an accident. He had never mentioned it though, and neither had his mother. She had never blamed him for anything. Willie gave him a curious look. Leo cleared his throat. "It was my father's wedding ring. I guess their marriage wasn’t so good, but hopefully it won’t rub off. And you're my family now, so I'd be glad if you don’t mind wearin’ it.” 

Willie's eyes got all big and teary. Leo smiled at him. Willie smiled and held out his hands. "Left or right?" His face lit up like Leo hardly ever saw. 

This time, things at City Hall went smoothly. It was just signing papers after all; Willie still felt stupid for screwing it up yesterday. Only he could have fucked up something so simple. Leo held his hand through the whole thing, and after they signed Leo kissed him on the lips right there in front of everyone. The lady at the desk remembered them; she smiled and said "Congratulations, fellas" before she yelled "next!" 

Willie loved walking in the parts of the city where he could hold Leo's hand and nobody cared. Leo kept smiling a little loving smile at him and Willie kept smiling back and his face was starting to hurt from it. He walked with Leo for blocks, watching the sun glint off the blond highlights in Leo's brown hair. People paid good money to get highlights like that, but Leo just had them from his natural handsomeness. Though maybe someday there would be gray hair and then he could dye the highlights back in. Willie would dye it for him in the kitchen sink. He would still be there when Leo went gray because Leo wanted him to stay forever. It made him feel shaky to think about it. Willie wished they could stop and sit down somewhere, because his feet were going too fast for his brain. Neither of them had said anything since they left City Hall. Leo had just grabbed his hand and started walking. Willie couldn't remember any rule against talking though. "Leo, where we goin'?"

"Sex shop."  
Willie frowned but he kept up. "Why?"  
Leo looked at him, smiling. "To buy sex toys."  
They waited at a busy corner for the WALK sign. "Why?" Willie asked again.

"So I can tie you up and use 'em on ya," Leo answered, smiling. Willie's stomach fluttered, but not in a totally bad way. "What about 

lunch?"  
"We're still gettin' lunch." 

The sex shop had leather people in the window. Or mannequins dressed in leather, anyway. They made Willie nervous. It looked crowded inside. Willie let go of Leo's hand. "I'll wait for you." 

"No, you have to come help pick things. Come on." Leo grabbed his hand again and led him into the shop. It was hot and stuffy inside from the spotlights on the leather and people sampling the oils. Or maybe the other customers had on too much perfume. Willie thought how much he'd hate to work in a place like this, having to talk all flirty with the customers about their kinky things. Leo led him over to a wall display of leather floggers. Willie felt a little sick. He let go of Leo's hand but Leo grabbed his elbow instead. Leo reached out with his other hand to run his fingers over the narrow leather strands of one of the smaller floggers. "Feel this. Doesn't it turn you on a little?" 

"No!" Willie felt sick. He pulled his arm free and took a step back.  
Leo turned to look at him, concerned. "What, hon? What?"  
"No whipping!" Willie wished he didn't sound so squeaky. He didn't know how to make Leo see how bad that would be. "Please, papi! Leo! Sir!"

Leo stepped closer, away from the floggers, and put an arm around Willie's shoulders. "Alright, no whipping. OK, hon. Let's walk away from the leather, OK?" He moved down the wall to wooden and plastic paddles, in many sizes and shapes. "Here, pick something from here. Pick a special spanking thing."

"Do I have to?" Willie whispered urgently.  
"What, you don’t want to?”  
"I don't like it!"  
"You don't like when I do it, but you like that I do it."  
Willie frowned and jerked away. "That is such bullshit, word-twisting college-ass bullshit." Leo nodded at the array of paddles like he had all the time in the world. Willie saw a saleslady watching them. She was wearing hot pants and fishnet stockings. Willie realized he'd hate dressing up to work here, too. Why was he even thinking this? He was never going to work here. He did that all the time lately, looked at jobs that other people had and wondered about them. I want to go back to work, he realized. I need to find a job. I need to explain to Leo. He stepped close to Leo again and took hold of his right hand. "OK. But I like your hand though."

Leo kissed his cheek. "That ain't always enough though, is it?" 

Willie shrugged. "Most of the time. You don't need to get something special. You got a hairbrush. I hate that. I hate all these things, Leo." 

"You want me to pick one?" 

Willie didn't. He'd seen how Leo's eyes had lit up at the feel of the leather. The belt was bad enough. He scanned the rows of paddles. He didn't like the ones that were patterned to leave a design on his butt, like stars or something, like a brand. And he was scared the ones with holes would make blisters. He didn't want to do this at all. He picked up a clear acrylic spanker about two inches wide and a quarter inch thick. It was labeled as unbreakable. It looked painful but not horrifying. He slapped it tentatively against his hand and it seemed kind of stinging. He had no doubt it would burn like fire when Leo slammed it down on his ass. But it probably wouldn't leave horrible welts or anything; it felt smooth on the edges. 

Leo was waiting for him to choose, like it was up to him, like he had some say in it. Willie hated that, the fake decision, being forced to cooperate like you agreed to it. Do you wanna be raped in the laundry room or the showers? His ring flashed in one of the store's hot spotlights. He remembered wishing he would die in the night. There'd been nowhere else to go. He hadn't wanted Diego to have the satisfaction of killing him though. He looked around the store, at the attractive displays of handcuffs and gags and floggers. It wasn't jail. He wasn't trapped anymore. Leo had said so, over and over. Leo moved closer to him, hovering. "Did you decide?" he prodded. 

"Yeah." Willie hung the acrylic paddle back on the wall rack. "I'm not doin' this. Let's go to lunch now." He started walking for the door. 

"Willie! C'mon, don't wimp out!" Leo whined. Willie turned and looked at him hard. "OK, OK," Leo muttered and followed him out of the store. 

They got Chinese for lunch. Willie got his favorite fried noodles and cold beer. He'd missed Chinese food in jail. He'd been out a whole year now, he realized. A year, and now he was married to Leo. It was hard to get his head around. Leo sat opposite him, eating little pork pancakes. He looked a little anxious, and he kept wiggling his leg under the table. Willie was surprised he wasn't more anxious himself. Maybe it was the beer, though he'd only had one. He signaled the waiter to bring another. He waved away a glass and drank from the bottle. Mostly he wasn't too nervous because Leo wasn't too scary. "So are ya mad, Leo?" 

Leo looked guarded. "More like surprised." 

Willie scraped his fork tines along his plate, watching the cross-hatch design in the sauce. "What do you mean?" He looked at Leo under his eyelashes. 

Leo's look was very direct. "You said no to me." 

Willie ran his fingers through his hair. "No, I didn't. I said no to getting a thing." 

Leo bit into a dumpling. Grease ran down his chin and he wiped it with his napkin. He swallowed and said, "Why?" 

"Why what?" 

"Why don’t you want a thing?" 

"Mmm." Willie took another bite of noodles and tried to think how to say it. Nothing slick came to him. He swallowed and said, "Cuz I don’t wanna get beat, OK? I mean, I wanna be with you, and if, y’know, papi thinks he gotta take charge, y’know, whatever, that’s one thing. But I’m not, like, a slave. And I’m not, y’know, a totally bad person. Maybe, like, maybe I'm not, like, a good person? But you're not supposed to think that. I mean, you think I'm OK. I'm OK to you." He stopped. He wasn't being clear at all and he was starting to feel emotional. "Or you wouldn't have married me," he tried to clarify. 

Leo reached across the table and patted his hand. "OK, alright." He ate some rice. "Eat your vegetables." Willie put a bit of baby corn into his mouth. Leo said, "So, you feel like if we buy a flogger, I must think you're a bad person?" 

"But I'm not!" Willie insisted, frowning. He might be. He had killed people. But he couldn't change that now. 

"No, you're not, I know that, honey. You think I punish you because you're a bad person?" 

"No. Not how it is now. But some of those things you would only use on a bad person." 

Leo held his hand. "OK, I get what you mean. But listen, I think you just haven't tried some of those things. You're scared of the look of them, but you don't know how they would make you feel." 

Willie frowned. "They would make me wish it was like before!" His voice was a little too loud. 

Leo frowned. Willie gulped down some more beer and looked intently at the enameled brass dishes decorating the restaurant wall. Finally Leo asked, "When before?" 

"At the inn. Around then." 

The waiter cleared the table and brought them another pot of tea and some fortune cookies. Leo said, "That was only like three months ago. How was it different then?" Willie's hand shook and the tea splashed a little out of his cup. He put the pot down and wished for a cigarette. Leo wiped up the spilt tea with his napkin and poured some fresh for Willie. "What was different, baby?" His voice was low and soothing.

"It was more equal," Willie answered quietly. He'd still had a job then. But it wasn't just the money. Leo shared the money.

Leo looked sad. "OK. I hear ya. Do you want no more spanking?" 

Willie blushed. "I didn't say that."  
"But that's what you mean?"  
"I need a cigarette."  
Leo took out his wallet and the waiter brought the check. 

Willie lit up as soon as they were outside. Then he started walking. Leo fell into step beside him. The streets were crowded but that was good. It helped him think about himself as just another person with a personal situation. There was a big line of people waiting to get into a bakery. Willie joined the end of the line. "What are we in line for?" Leo asked. 

"Cupcakes," Willie answered. "Since we're here."  
"Where are we, Willie?"  
Willie put his arm through Leo's and kissed his cheek. "You're my papi. So you can spank me when you think you should. But just spanking! Not, like, beating and torturing me. I don't wanna be afraid, Leo."

Leo pulled him closer and stroked his face, then kissed his mouth quickly. "You're my good boy, Willie. I love you. And I'm buying you cupcakes." 

Willie smiled. "Good." 

The cupcakes were five dollars each. Willie wanted a dozen of them. Leo only had forty dollars on him. He thought about charging sixty dollars worth of cupcakes on his credit card. Bullshit. "Just get six," he told Willie. 

"No! I want a dozen! It's our wedding cake!"  
Leo looked at him. "Six is plenty. I don't get why they're five dollars each." "Cuz they're the ones from TV, Leo. Jeezus."  
"What?" 

"How do you not know that?" Willie laughed like Leo was the biggest dork in the world. 

"I guess cuz I'm goin’ to college instead of watchin’ TV." He was sorry the second it was out of his mouth, but it was too late. Willie looked wounded and turned to storm out, but Leo grabbed his arm. "Hey. We waited in this line for fuckin’ half an hour, and now we're near the front, and we're gettin’ your goddamn overpriced trendy cupcakes if I have to shove ‘em down your fuckin’ throat. Understand? Pick your flavors." 

"No! I'm waiting outside! I need a cigarette!" Willie attempted another flounce but Leo held onto his arm. 

"You wait right outside where I can find you, baby." He stared at Willie until Willie nodded, and then he let him go to have his sulk. 

In the end he got eight cupcakes and picked chocolate and buttery flavors Willie liked. They'd have to take the subway home though. Willie was waiting right across the street. When he saw Leo, he threw his cigarette in the gutter and walked over to join him. Leo asked, "You ready to head home?" 

Willie frowned. "You didn't plan nothin'?" 

Leo shrugged. "It was all planned for yesterday. The party and presents and stuff." He paused. "I thought that would go better than it did." Willie didn't say anything. Leo continued, "I'm sorry again about the party. I didn't mean for it to suck for you." Willie shrugged and started walking towards the subway. Leo sighed and continued, "I just don't get why you get so jealous when I got no interest in anyone but you." 

Willie stopped walking and stared at him. Then he nodded. "OK. Apology accepted. Let's forget about it." 

"But why do you?" 

Willie sighed. He sounded annoyed. He lit another cigarette. "Cuz your interests ain't the point. Other people got interests too. You don't even know how hot you are. She's so after you. That guy with the fucking water, after you. You're just like, oh, people are so nice, la de fuckin' la, they're bein' nice to you cuz they want somethin', Leo." He cleared his throat and added, "Think you'd be able to see it since you're such a smart college kid." He started walking again. 

Leo walked beside him, waiting till they fell into step. It only took a minute. Then he said, "OK. But it don't matter cuz I wouldn't go with them, Will. I don't gotta think about it cuz I'm not interested." Willie didn't answer him. Leo prodded. "You don't believe me?" 

Willie looked angry, and his words were clipped. "Yeah, OK, I believe you. But people can be assholes, Leo." 

"I know that." Leo didn't know where Willie was going with this. Did Willie really think he was stupid? "But these people aren't assholes. They're my friends. It's like you don't want me to have any friends." 

Willie glared at him. "I'm your friend."  
"I know. I can't have more than one?"  
"I don't."  
"You don't try. You could if you wanted to."  
Willie threw the stub of his cigarette in the gutter with a disgusted sigh. "I don't wanna talk about it, Leo. Go ahead. Have friends. Just don't act like I'm crazy when I see what they're up to and you don't."

"They're not up to anything; you're just paranoid!" 

Willie stopped at the subway entrance. "Whatever. Are we goin' home or what?" 

"May as well, yeah." Willie seemed to hesitate. Leo tried to push the stupid argument aside. "Did you wanna go somewhere, Will?" 

Willie shook his head. "No. Let's go home." 

Even though they switched to the express train, it was more than an hour before they got home. Willie had been quiet on the train, though the train had been noisy, so it's not like they could have really talked. Leo had thought they'd be happier. He'd thought they'd be anxious to get home and make love, but they weren’t in the door five minutes before Willie was lounging on the sofa, watching cartoons and stuffing cupcakes in his face. He was upset that he didn't have any friends. Leo could understand that, but every time he suggested Willie go make some friends, Willie laughed at him. He'd even suggested Willie join the church choir or something, and Willie had been offended for some obscure reason Leo didn't understand. Apparently it was deeply uncool to be in the choir, like going to church was so hip in the first place. The gay bar they drank at sometimes, Buddies, had sign-up sheets for a bowling league and a darts team, but Willie had never shown any interest. Maybe Leo should just sign them up anyway. He wondered if it was better to leave Willie alone and let him de-stress with his cartoons, or if it was better to distract him from brooding.

Leo went into the bedroom and opened the window to air it out. He stripped the bed and put the nicest of the clean sheets on it. Wedding nights deserved clean sheets. He picked all their dirty socks and underwear up off the floor and put them in the laundry bag. Willie was doing great with the laundry now that the service did pick up and delivery. Maybe he was scared of the other gay guys and that's why he didn't want to make friends with them. Leo wondered where Willie went when he went off drinking by himself. He wondered about a lot of things. He got the vacuum cleaner out of the hall closet and ran it over the bedroom rug. When he switched it off, Willie was standing in the bedroom doorway, watching. Leo said, "Hi." 

"Hi. Watcha doin'?"  
"Just cleanin' up a little. What's up with your shows?"  
Willie shrugged. "I got bored of them."  
"You wanna rent some movies?"  
Willie shrugged. "I don't feel like goin' out again."  
"I'll go. Tell me what you want."  
Willie looked at him for a split second and then back at the clean carpet. "Hug?" He opened his arms slightly and took one step into the room.

Leo smiled and stepped over the vacuum cleaner cord to hold Willie close. "Anytime, sweetie. What's up?"

"I'm sorry I said shit about your friends," Willie mumbled.  
Leo rubbed his back firmly. "You're just looking out for me, hon. I understand. You got my best interests."

"I'm so fuckin' clingy!" Willie pressed his face into Leo's shoulder. 

Leo rubbed the back of his neck. "I think you can be clingy on your wedding day, baby. I don't think you're too clingy."

"You don't?"

"Nope."  
"Your friends do."  
"I don't care what they think. I didn't marry them. I'm in love with you. You're perfect for me, Willie." Willie's arms wrapped around his waist. Leo wished they were naked. "You wanna get into bed, Will?"

"Yeah, alright," Willie stepped away from him, stripped his clothes off, dropped them onto the clean carpet, and climbed into the bed. He flopped onto his back and stared at Leo, his eyes dark. Leo never knew what that look meant exactly, sort of challenging and sort of pleading. 

"Be right with ya," Leo said, and hurried to put the vacuum away so they wouldn't trip over it later. He'd liked it at the inn, Willie had said. At the inn, they had spent so much time just touching each other, excited to have the whole weekend. Willie had been all goofy about a fluffy powder puff that he found in the bathroom, in a box of sandalwood dusting powder. Leo had softly smoothed the powder over Willie's skin for a long time, happy to watch Willie relax and bliss out. But Willie had been happy about other stuff too, at the time. Leo had bought a box of the powder when they got back, but it had seemed so corny that he'd hidden it in his bureau. But he supposed you couldn't get any cornier than two guys getting married, so maybe now was the moment. Maybe it would cheer Willie up. Leo stripped, then got the box from his bureau drawer, hiding it swiftly behind his back. Willie looked instantly alert. "What do you got?" 

"A surprise."  
"I don't like surprises." Willie sounded irritated.  
"You'll like this one. Roll onto your stomach."  
Willie hesitated and bit his lip. "Is it gonna hurt, Leo?"  
Leo frowned. "No. No, I promise it won't hurt." Showing him the floggers had been a bad mistake.

Willie bit his lip harder and rolled onto his stomach, reaching for the stuffed Tweetybird doll, probably in case Leo was lying and it hurt. "Lie flat?" he asked, his voice muffled by the mattress.

"Yeah, just like that, baby. That's great." Leo climbed onto the bed and sat at Willie's side. At least Willie trusted him a little. "Just relax. Let's not make love right away. Let's relax for awhile and be mellow first." 

Willie made a whiny noise and complained, "I was relaxed before watching TV. I thought you wanted to fuck. Because there's good shows on in a little while and I--" His voice cut off abruptly when the fluffy powder puff touched the skin between his shoulders. Leo made careful paths around his shoulderblades and then slowly dragged the smooth talc down Willie's spine. Willie shivered and his breathing deepened. His fingers unclenched from Tweety, relaxing and opening out of their fistiness. His toes curled and uncurled. Leo moved slowly, powdering the backs of Willie's thighs. As he smoothed the backs of his knees, Willie breathed, "Ohhh." 

"OK?" Leo asked.  
"Don't stop!" Definitely pleading.  
"No, baby. I got a lot more powdering and polishing to do here. And then 

we gotta turn you over and do the front of you. And then we'll see how we feel. Just relax. I'm not gonna do anything tricky. Just this until we want something else, OK? Sleep if you want." 

"Smells so good."  
"It does. You look beautiful too. So handsome."  
Willie whimpered happily when Leo applied a little more pressure to his calves and feet, massaging along with powdering. Willie got so tense sometimes. I'm too wrapped up in my shit, Leo thought. I need to pay more attention to all his neurotic weirdness. He'd talked to the therapist about that a lot, before he stopped going. He should start going again, talk some more about boundaries. He moved his hands up Willie's trim legs, back to his thighs, and went back to the duster again for a minute. There were the burn scars from prison, where Diego used him for an ashtray. Leo tried not to linger over them and remind Willie about them. Though obviously Willie never really forgot it. Maybe he had caused a couple of deaths, but Willie could never be cruel like that, Leo thought. His crimes had all been spontaneous outbursts of fear or rage or panic. He could never deliberately and continuously hurt someone the way Diego did. I can, though, Leo thought. When I want to. I have to want to. He wondered again if he would have killed the cop in the hospital, if the doctors hadn't come in when they did. He had no real love for cops. He might have done it. He'd been working himself up to do it. And Willie had told him to. Back in the day, he always did what Willie told him to do; he'd trusted Willie to look out for him. Maybe Willie was right about his friends. Maybe they did have agendas. Willie was really smart when he wasn't fucked up from post-traumatic stress or whatever.

He felt bad now to see the faint pink marks on Willie's butt, leftover from yesterday. He smoothed Willie's skin with his hands so it wouldn't tingle or tickle in a bad way from the duster. Willie tensed once beneath his hands but then relaxed again with a sigh. Leo crooned at him and kept rubbing into the small of his back. Maybe Willie's whole protest at the sex shop meant that he was starting to feel more like himself. Leo feathered some more powder around and then started a proper backrub, straddling Willie's butt. He remembered St. Patrick's Day, and how Willie had been so messed up, naked and weepy and scared of everything. What had made him pack up Willie's stuff and bring him home with him? He'd only gone over there because he was drunk and horny and Willie had seemed like a surer deal than a gay bar. He hadn't expected to get involved in some big rescue. He hadn't expected to feel so protective. There was something delicate about Willie, even though at this angle he could admire the muscles in his shoulders and arms and how his shoulders sloped down and then his ribs tucked into his waist. Willie had put on a little weight since he moved in, which was good because he didn't look scrawny anymore. 

Willie stirred beneath him and Leo slid off his butt. "Am I heavy?"  
"No," Willie whispered dreamily.  
"You wanna roll over now?"  
Willie shivered. "OK." He sounded spacey. Leo helped him turn over and then was amazed at how young he looked. Must be the relaxation. He leaned down and kissed his lips gently, not pushing at all. Willie licked his lips though, and Leo started to feel distinctly less mellow and more horny. He carefully powdered Willie's neck and rubbed gently all along his collarbone and chest, pausing to tickle Willie's nipples a little. Willie smiled with his eyes closed, and Leo smiled to see him. Willie's dick stirred and by the time Leo got done carefully rubbing his stomach, they were both hard. Leo tried to guess what Willie would like best. Willie suddenly rubbed Leo’s thigh, and then just as suddenly took his hand away, blushing. Blushing around that weird look on his face again. Desire, Leo realized all of a sudden.

He wished he could just skip the condom, but having that conversation now would wreck the mood. He distracted Willie with a kiss and grabbed supplies off the nightstand. It only took a moment to get Willie wrapped and ready, and he was still looking surprised from that when Leo straddled him and carefully positioned himself. "Leo?!" Willie sounded alarmed, or maybe just excited, but he looked delighted. 

Leo grabbed his hands. "This OK?" 

Willie nodded urgently and moaned as Leo worked himself down around Willie's hard length. Leo moaned and groaned a little himself. This felt fantastic. He began to raise and lower himself, angling just right every time. He closed his eyes and then heard his name; Willie was calling him. He refocused and opened his eyes. Willie was crying? Leo slid down and slowed, panting. "Will?" 

"Jesus god, I love you," Willie said. He strained forward. "Wanna, lemme sit up." He put his hands on Leo's hips. 

Leo smiled at him. "Wait." He carefully detached them and reached under the bed for the black polyester cushions. "Sex pillows!" Willie laughed. Leo leaned back on a triangular wedge and pulled Willie forward between his legs. "Uh, wait, I got it." He added the other pillow, a sort of booster pillow under his butt, and lifted his legs. 

Willie leaned forward and kissed him. "You look good against black. It's your color." 

Leo stared into Willie's dark eyes and saw no joking, saw real affection. He swallowed hard and said, "We'll get all black sheets then." 

Willie slid smoothly back inside him, maybe deeper this time. The pillow arrangement put their faces closer together, and Willie's hands were on him, holding him up too somehow, and the pillow coverings felt smooth and silky and everything smelled like sandalwood. Willie moved carefully inside him and suddenly Leo felt cherished. It surprised him. He must have made a noise because Willie cooed at him and said, "My good husband."

Then Leo was coming and Willie said "beautiful" - he heard that - and Willie moved fast inside him and it was almost too much and then he slowed down and they lay there like that for a while, hugging and sweaty together. Leo stroked his fingers through Willie's damp hair. "You make me happy, Will. I'm happy." 

Willie chuckled softly. "Me too. You do, I mean. Make me happy." Leo could tell he was smiling by the way his voice sounded. 

\--------

"Hey, Leo, guess what?" 

"What?"  
"We're married!" Willie giggled. He sounded smug and delighted.  
Leo tickled his ribs. "Yes we are. Married." He couldn't stop smiling about it either.

Willie wiggled and squirmed without trying to move away. "Stop!"  
Leo tickled him a little more, then switched to rubbing his back. "My good husband. My ticklish good husband."

"These sheets are disgusting," Leo said, shifting off of a damp spot. It was after seven. They'd spent the whole afternoon in bed, napping and making love. 

"Wha’?" Willie asked. 

"I said the sheets are disgusting." He wrapped his arm tighter around Willie's waist. 

Willie buried his face in Leo's neck and made loud wet pig snorting snuffle sounds. It tickled and Leo laughed. Willie threw a leg over Leo's hips and said, "We're disgusting pigs, Leo. Big pink faggy pigs." 

Leo did the hick Deliverance voice. "Squeal like a pig, boy." 

Willie laughed out loud, throwing his head back. He snuggled back against Leo's chest and moved his hand down to stroke Leo's soft dick. "Want me to?" 

Leo sighed. "Don't think I can. You want somethin'?" He'd lost track of how many times they'd done it. Or actually, he hadn't. Five times. He was dead. And his ass was sore. And he might be starting to chafe. 

"I'm fine," Willie drawled. "I'm awesome."  
"You are."  
Leo's stomach rumbled and they laughed. Leo said, "I could eat though." 

They laughed again. It was like they would laugh at anything. Leo couldn't remember when they'd felt this light and happy together. Playing in the snow at the inn, maybe. Maybe that's what Willie had meant. "Will?" 

"Yeah?"  
"I love us like this."  
Willie propped himself up on one elbow and squinted at him. "Me too, baby." He flopped back down. "You know what though?"

"What?"

"I love us all the time." 

Leo rolled onto his side and stared at him. "Even when it sucks? Even when you cry?" Willie nodded. Leo hugged him close. "I hate when you cry." He kissed Willie's hair. "Well, I mean, I don't mind if you cry; I hate that you're sad." 

"I'm not sad now," Willie voice sounded muffled. "Lemme breathe a little." 

Leo loosened his grip. "Do you wanna go out to eat?"  
"No. Let's send out and hang out and watch movies."  
"We didn't get any." 

"We got crappy ones on videotape, we can watch those."  
"Those suck."  
"Why are we keepin' 'em then? Let's throw out the sucky ones and make more space." Willie stared thoughtfully at the ceiling. "That whole living room needs to be fixed up."

Leo laughed. "I feel so married when you say that shit."  
"Good. Cuz you're married, man. You're totally stuck with me." 

**Thursday, May 20**

Leo shut the apartment door behind him with a sense of relief. He couldn't wait for this licensing exam to be over so he could quit studying and worrying and relax a little. He listened hopefully, but the dark apartment was quiet. Willie must have gone to bed already. Well, it was late, going for three. Leo grimaced at the time and wondered how many sick days he had left at work. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to the bar when the library closed.

He wished that Pat were less phobic. As much as he liked Pat, once they were graduated and done studying for this exam, it was going to be nice to take a break from him. Leo had expected a certain amount of teasing about the gay marriage thing, but Pat just couldn't let it go. And it really wasn't fair because Leo had never once even mentioned the whole weird whipping thing Pat had going on with Marilyn. Tonight Pat had turned into the drunk philosopher of relationships, and insisted that Leo was with Willie because Leo’s previous bad experiences with Judy had turned him off women. Leo had tried to explain that he wanted to be with Willie, that he loved Willie, but Pat wouldn't listen. He's immature, Leo reminded himself. Or he's jealous. Or something. Not your problem. Don't worry about him. 

He turned the hallway light on and walked quietly into the bedroom. Willie was fast asleep, breathing through his mouth, drooling a little, whiskery. He still had a few of the "first weekend of our marriage" roses on his bureau, coaxing them along. Leo was so glad he'd bought those. He'd stood outside the florist for ten minutes trying to decide if it was too corny, but Willie had loved them. Leo took his clothes off and got into bed. So far the marriage thing was working out great. Willie seemed more relaxed. Leo noticed him speaking up more, just talking like he trusted Leo to understand him. Leo thought how lucky he was to have married his best friend. He wished Willie was awake now to fool around with before he went to sleep. He supposed there was the morning, if he was even going to work. Of course, if he wasn't going to work, he could sleep in, and so could Willie, so what would be the harm in waking him up? Leo turned over hard to jostle the bed. Willie didn't even shift a little. Leo snapped the bedside lamp on and stroked Willie's arm gently. Willie kept sleeping, curled on his side, his face all peaceful and handsome. Leo sighed and shook him a little. 

Willie's arms flew up over his face and he cringed. He always did that when you woke him. It was some kind of jail thing. Leo hoped someday he'd get 

over it. But Willie would remember where he was in a second. Leo pulled Willie's hand away from his face and put it on his cock. Willie frowned and mumbled a questioning sound, but he started stroking Leo very effectively, his eyes squinted against the light. After a minute, Willie cleared his throat and started to scoot down under the covers. Leo grabbed his arm. “No. I wanna be inside you, baby. Turn over.” His voice came out louder and rougher than he expected. Maybe he was drunker than he thought. 

Willie looked at him once, guardedly, but he didn't say anything. He struggled out of his underpants and rearranged himself on his knees, bent over, receptive. Leo stroked Willie's back and his gorgeous, sexy, edible butt. He ran his fingers along Willie's cleft. Willie shivered but otherwise didn't move. God, he loved him so much. Just the idea that Willie would be this way with him, so totally open and accepting – no woman had ever treated him like that. Leo quickly lubed his fingers and slid two of them into Willie, watching for that shift in his hips, a slackness that said Willie was past accepting and into wanting. Leo tried hard to please Willie. Willie didn't like to talk about specific likes and dislikes, so Leo watched him closely for signs of pleasure or boredom or happiness. Willie moaned and shoved back against his hand, and Leo smiled. He spread more lube on his dick. Now that they were married, he wanted to fuck bareback and really feel Willie surrounding him, skin to skin. He held Willie's hips and pressed the purple head of his dick into place, nestling into the heat of Willie's greedy little butt. He gasped at the feel of hot skin against his dick. It was so sensitive he swore he could feel individual pores. This was going to be amazing. He pressed carefully inward and was just about to breech Willie's opening when Willie yelled, “Stop! Stop! Leo!” Willie bucked up against him. His head banged painfully against Leo's chin. 

Leo forced himself to sit back on his heels. “What?” He rubbed his chin. Willie was leaning on his hip and glaring and rubbing his head. He looked angry and upset. Leo felt suddenly anxious. “What?” he repeated. “You whacked my chin.” 

Willie bit his lip and looked down. “Sorry. You forgot,” he whispered. 

“What?” 

Willie turned away and reached into the nightstand. He turned back with a foil-wrapped condom between his fingers. He tore the packet open and palmed the condom, then smiled and reached for Leo's erection. “No problem,” he whispered. 

Leo pushed his hand away. “No. I don't want it. Let's just do it. We don't need it.” 

Willie sighed and reached again for Leo's dick. “We have to be safe,” he whispered. 

Leo knocked his hand away. "We're fine," he insisted. He grabbed Willie's arm and tugged, trying to turn him around again. 

Willie yelled "No!" and jerked his arm away. He glanced once, hopelessly, at Leo's face; then he sat and hugged his knees. When he spoke, his voice was thick with tears. "Please, Leo," he begged. "Please. I'll make it good for you, I swear. Please. I'll be good for you. Please, Leo." 

Leo hated the way Willie's hands covered his head, like he expected to be beaten. He hated the crying and the begging and the marks above Willie's elbow where he'd gripped him too hard. He put his hand gently over the finger-sized marks. Willie flinched and squeaked. Leo backed slowly off the bed. He stood there for a minute, watching Willie rock and cry, and then he turned and fled into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and dry-heaved over the toilet for a minute, but nothing came up. He hadn't thought he was so drunk, but he must be a little drunk if he'd hurt Willie. He hadn't meant to hurt him. He'd just wanted to feel closer. What was Willie even crying about? He hadn't hurt him. Just the condoms? Willie was crying over safe sex? Leo splashed some water on his face, and it felt so good that he took his clothes off and got into the shower. The tepid water washed away the drunk feeling of the bar and the hysterical feeling of the bedroom and even the angry feeling at his friends. He didn't even feel especially horny anymore. He just felt tired. 

Leo got out of the shower and dried off. Safe sex was all well and good, but he and Willie had been together for months now, and they planned to stay together, and they weren't cheating, so there was no reason to keep using the condoms. He couldn't believe Willie wouldn't want to get rid of them too. Unless Willie was cheating, but Leo didn't think he was. Willie was pretty invested in all his gayness being special for Leo and not for anyone else, in belonging to his papi and all that jazz. Look how disturbed he'd got when that guy at the laundry had come on to him. No, Willie wasn't cheating. Leo squeezed some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and considered that his barroom breath had probably been enough to make Willie cry. Poor Willie, stuck with a drunk stupid boyfriend. Leo brushed his teeth and tried to figure out what was the big attraction with safe sex. Suddenly he gagged on the toothpaste and spit ferociously. Surely Willie would have told him if he was already infected? They'd never actually talked about HIV. It had just never come up. Willie could have been infected in jail. Unless he thinks I'm infected? Leo rinsed his mouth carefully, thinking hard. Having HIV seemed like something you would tell a person. Could Willie possibly have kept that kind of secret all this time? Maybe he was too drunk to deal with this right now. He should at least go and make sure Willie had stopped crying.

Willie wasn't even in the bed. Leo put his robe on and headed for the kitchen, where the light was on. Willie was leaning against the kitchen sink, smoking. His eyes were red, and he was huddled inside his bathrobe, but he'd stopped crying. Leo stood a safe distance away – in the doorway – and asked carefully, “Are you OK?” 

Willie nodded, his arms crossed over his chest. “Yeah. I'm sorry I freaked." 

Leo walked slowly over to the sink, stood next to Willie, and got himself a glass of water. Willie trembled a little but he didn't move away. Leo felt another wave of remorse. He said quietly, "I'm sorry. I'm drunk. And stupid." He sighed. "I had kind of a bad day." 

Willie bit his lip and inched closer. Leo wondered if it would be OK to hug him. Maybe not. Willie said, "I'm sorry you had a bad day." 

Leo put the glass in the drain. "It's over now. I'm going to bed."  
Willie cleared his throat. "Me too."  
Willie followed him into the bedroom and dropped his robe on the floor, but Leo knew better than to take that as a sign of anything. Willie's moods came and went, but not that fast. Leo lay down and shut his eyes. "Are you getting the light?"

Willie shut the light off and got into bed and lay on his back. Leo lay on his back too. There was no point trying to understand Willie's hang-ups in the middle of the night. He should just go to sleep and think about it all in the morning. Willie's fingers slid beneath his hand and squeezed his fingers. Leo turned his head to look at Willie, who was staring at him in the dark. “I'm sorry for adding to your bad day,” Willie whispered. “Please don't be mad.” 

“I'm not mad at you,” Leo said. His voice sounded husky. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I'm sorry I upset you. I didn't mean to.” 

“I know. I'm sorry,” Willie said quickly. 

Leo turned to face him. “Do you want a hug?” he asked. Willie's arms slid around his neck in the next instant. Leo held Willie close and went to sleep. 

**Friday, June 4**

This time Willie tried not to look as Leo rolled the condom on himself, but it didn't seem to make a difference if he looked or not. His erection wilted anyway. He stroked himself, a little frantic, but it was no use. He'd only been half-up to start with anyway. Leo said, "Willie?" very softly. 

Willie turned onto his stomach and spread his legs. "I'm OK," he said. His voice came out quieter than he’d thought it would. He cleared his throat and turned his head. Tweety was right there, but it would look stupid to hold onto plush bird toy during sex. Leo's hands smoothed down his back. Willie squeezed his eyes shut. Leo leaned over him. Willie could feel Leo’s body heat, and his stiff dick prodding him. Willie clutched Tweety’s foot. Leo nibbled on his shoulder and Willie tried to relax and get into it again. It was Leo. It was gonna feel good. There was nothing to be scared of. And it wouldn't take so long. He rubbed back against Leo, hoping he'd stop nibbling at him and get on with the penetration, since at least he was capable of penetrating someone, and not some kind of headcase faggot who couldn't even fuck anymore. Motherfucker Diego had ruined that for him too. Probably Leo would divorce him now, or rip up the stupid papers, or whatever it was, for non-consummation or something. Leo shifted position a little and then started to push his dick in. Willie fought to relax for it but it hurt suddenly - a horrible tearing feeling -- and before he could stop himself he cried out.

Leo withdrew immediately and was beside him, holding him, smoothing his hair. "Willie? What's wrong? Did I hurt you, baby?" 

"No," Willie lied. He opened his eyes and saw Leo's worried face and burst into tears. "I'm sorry!" 

Leo pulled him closer, cuddling him against his chest. "Don't cry, shhh. Don't be sorry. It's OK. You're OK." 

"I'm not fucking OK!" 

Leo's hands stopped their soothing smoothing, but they didn't pull away. "Alright. Then it's a problem. But we'll sort it out, Willie. We'll fix it. Don't worry. Don't cry." 

It felt nice to be held. Willie took a deep breath and relaxed against Leo, blocking out everything else for a minute. 

Leo smoothed Willie's hair and listened to his breath calming. Willie got so hyper and panicky. He'd been tense about sex for a couple of weeks now, ever since that stupid drunken attempt to go without the condoms. Leo had tried to start a conversation about it last week, but Willie had gotten up from the couch and literally run to hide in the bathroom. Leo hadn't had the heart to bring it up again. But they would have to talk at some point, because the silence wasn't fixing things. Willie wasn't getting off in bed anymore; he was just acting like some especially grumpy humble servant. It wasn't a physical problem; Leo had noticed Willie had normal morning erections, not that he did anything useful with them. Leo didn't know whether he should just keep being patient and soothing or if he ought to force a crisis and hope it resolved something. Willie shifted a little in his arms and Leo took a closer look at him. Willie looked unhappy, even with his eyes closed. All those tension lines and now a few grey whiskers. Leo sighed and kissed his forehead gently. He really wished their honeymoon could have lasted a little longer. Willie's eyes slitted open. Leo stroked his face, "How you feelin', honey?" 

Willie shuddered against him and narrowed his mouth and then started to turn over. "You can do me now." 

Leo pulled him back sharply and held him tightly. "Is that what I asked you, Will? Did I ask, can I do you now?" 

"No." Willie sounded grudging. "But--" 

"But what? But that's what I meant?" 

"No! But, you can!"  
"Can you answer my question though?" 

"What?" 

"How are you feeling?"  
Willie squirmed in his arms and sighed. "Fuckin' fine! Let go, Leo." 

"No. Be held. Stop squirming. Answer my question for the third fuckin' time!"

"I'm too hot! Let me go! I'll puke!"  
Leo didn't believe him, but Willie wasn't above puking to prove a point. Leo sighed and let him go. Willie scrambled out of the bed and dashed for the hallway. He stopped short in the doorway though, his back towards the bed, his hand clutching the doorframe. "Can I go?" he asked quietly.

Leo's voice came out a lot gruffer than he intended. "Yeah, if you want." The next instant the bathroom door slammed and locked and the shower started. Leo lay down again and let the tears come. When the fuck did he become the jailer? The person who had to be washed off fast? He rolled onto his side and buried his face in Willie's pillow. 

By the time Willie got out of the shower, Leo had gotten dressed again and started tidying the kitchen. He was tying up the garbage when Willie cleared his throat in the doorway. Leo looked up. Willie was all wrapped up in his bathrobe, his face a mask. Leo said, "I'm going out for awhile. I won't be too late. I'll take the trash down since it's on my way." 

"You're going out?" 

Leo put the trashbag near the door and got a clean one from the roll in the box, snapping it open deftly. "I'm meeting Pat for a drink. Unless--" Leo swallowed hard and got overly involved in arranging the plastic bag around the rim of the plastic barrel. "Unless, if you feel like talking, Willie, I'll stay." 

"I wouldn't wanna spoil your evening," Willie sneered.  
Leo frowned unhappily. "Will--"  
"What? I spoiled it already, right?"  
Leo didn't say anything for a minute. He put the trashbarrel back in its spot and washed his hands at the sink. He splashed cold water on his face, trying to make his eyes less puffy. Finally he looked at Willie. "I don't know why you wanna beat yourself up over shit you can't help. But you're doin' it, not me. So quit puttin' words in my mouth."

Willie stomped his foot, crossed his arms over his chest and snarled, "What, I make you go off and leave me?" 

Leo gaped a little. "You fuckin' ran away from me! What, I should stay home so you have an audience while you sulk in the bathroom?" 

"I was sick!" Willie sounded outraged. 

"You're makin' yourself sick by obsessing and not talking!" Leo heard himself getting louder. 

"See, you do think it's my fault! I knew it!" 

"No! It's my fault, OK? It's my fucking fault cuz I wanted, I wanted--" Leo's voice abandoned him and he felt the tears coming back again. It was impossible to talk to Willie when he made that mean face. He needed to go out. He needed a fucking break. He grabbed his sweatshirt and picked up the trash and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Will. I gotta go out. I'm gettin' too upset. I'll see you later." 

"Where are you going?" Willie sounded a little frantic. 

"To a bar with Pat. I got my phone if you need anything. Do you need anything?" 

"Not from you," Willie spat. 

"Alright." They stared at each other for a minute. Leo forced himself to step across the room and kiss Willie's cheek. Willie flinched away. "I love you. Goodnight." 

Willie spun on his heel and stomped down the hallway. The bedroom door slammed a minute later. Sobbing started. Leo put the trash bag down and scrubbed his hands over his face. He crossed his arms over his stomach and hugged himself tightly and leaned against the doorway, listening. The sobbing stopped suddenly and there was a moment of silence. Then the sobbing started again, louder. He's listening for my footsteps, Leo realized. He picked up the trash and walked out, shutting the door quietly behind him.

\-  - - - - -

"You should eat something," Pat said. He pushed the snacks menu in its plastic stand closer to Leo. Leo sighed and picked it up to peer at it. Greasy, crappy barfood. Willie hadn't cooked all week. Leo decided that he would cook tomorrow. Obviously Willie was too upset to keep his end of the "taking care of the house" bargain. "You like their nachos," Pat prompted. 

Leo put the menu down. "Nachos are good. OK." 

Pat ordered nachos and chicken wings and another pitcher of beer. Then he smiled at Leo. "You'll feel better once you eat. How's your studying going? You wanna take another practice test this weekend? You can come to my house and Marilyn can time us." 

Leo shrugged. It wasn't a bad idea. "Maybe. Don't know what our plans are." 

Pat rolled his eyes. "Oh, you think he's got some kinda weekend plan, Leo? Beyond driving you crazy?" 

"He's not driving me crazy on purpose," Leo insisted. Pat sighed. The nachos arrived, and they were quiet for a minute while they filled their plates with the cheesy spicy chips. Leo chewed for a minute and remarked, "The guacamole's weak." 

"Oh, you're the big expert now? You eat a lotta Mexican?" Pat laughed. 

"Fuck you." Leo ate another nacho.  
"You wanna talk about it?"  
"What, so you can laugh at me?" 

Pat sighed again. "I won't laugh at you." Leo didn't know what to say. "I know I can be an asshole," Pat confessed after a minute. "But I don't like seein' you upset like this." 

Leo discovered that he did, after all, trust Pat. "We had some sex problems." 

Pat looked wary. "What do you mean, problems?"  
"Like, he ain't been up for it lately."  
Pat nodded. "He's being a cocktease?"  
Leo shook his head. "No, no! Like, he can't, and he gets all upset about it." 

"Did you take him to a doctor?" 

"I think it's more psychological."  
"You want some Viagra? I got some."  
Leo shrugged. "I'd rather solve the problem than just drug him."  
Pat shrugged back. "Sometimes solving the problem solves the problem, y'know? Get back in the groove."

"That ain't the problem."

Pat rolled his eyes. "What is the problem?"  
"He's just scared of HIV."  
Pat frowned. "That's a good thing to be scared of. I thought you were, y'know, protected."

"Well, yeah, but we been exclusive for months and I think we're good to go at this point. But when I tried it he freaked out, and that's when all these problems started."

"You told him you were negative, right?" 

"Yeah."  
"What'd he say?"  
"Nothing." 

Pat sipped his beer, looking thoughtful. "He's negative, right?"  
Leo sighed. "I don't know."  
Pat slammed his beer mug down. "You don't know?"  
"It hasn't come up," Leo lied. He had asked once, after announcing his own status, and Willie had pretended not to hear him. But Pat didn't need to know exactly how childish Willie could be. And maybe Willie really didn't hear him that day.

"You fuckin' married someone without a basic medical check? What is wrong with you?" 

Leo shrugged. "It wouldn't have made a difference. I was gonna marry him anyway."

Pat leaned back in his chair. "Well, now I fuckin' get it."  
"Get what?" Leo asked warily.  
"Why you don't care how fucked up he is. Cuz he calls to your inner fuckedupness, man."

"What?"

"'Wouldn't have made a difference.' What kind of bullshit is that? And you're, like, in a medical field? How about, if he's positive, he should be getting medical care? How about, if he's positive, you should use protection? Jesus Christ, Leo. Don't be so fucking irresponsible." Leo put his beer down and looked away, shielding his face with his hand. Pat said, "Don't. Don't fucking cry, Leo. Don't you fucking dare cry or I'll beat the shit outta ya." 

Leo looked up, glaring. "Fuck you! I'd fuckin' lay you out, asshole." Pat held his hand out, palm up. "So?"  
"I don't want him to die!" Leo blurted out, then buried his head in his arms.

Pat pushed the Leo's plate further away from his sleeve, so he wouldn't get covered in nacho dressings. He put a hand on Leo's shoulder. "Come on. Stop now. Maybe he's negative. Even if he's not, people handle that nowadays. It'll be OK. Drink your beer. Eat some nachos. Then I'll give you a ride home."

Willie had thought he'd have plenty of time to himself before Leo came back, but Leo came in before midnight. Willie curled up tighter on the couch and turned the TV up. Maybe Leo would go right to bed. Just as he remembered the pile of dirty tissues he'd thrown on the floor, Leo walked into the living room. "Hi." 

Willie sat up and leaned down to grab at the tissues. "Hi." Suddenly Leo was close, standing right in front of him, crouching down. He didn't look drunk either. "Here, gimme. I'll throw those away for ya. I'm gonna make some tea. Do you want some cocoa or something?" He took the dirty tissues out of Willie's hands like they weren't even disgusting. Then he leaned over and grabbed a few tissues Willie had missed. He walked out to the kitchen and Willie listened to the familiar noises while Leo threw the tissues in the trash and put the kettle on and took mugs out of the cabinet. Leo came back to the doorway. "What'd you say about cocoa, babe?" Willie didn't know what to say. Leo looked extra big and strong silhouetted in the light from the kitchen, taking up the whole doorway. Leo walked over to the couch and crouched down again. He didn't seem drunk at all. He smoothed Willie's hair and pulled the throw up over his shoulders. Willie froze, but Leo kept petting him anyway. "It's gonna be OK, Willie. Don't worry. Papi's gonna fix it."

"You can't," Willie whispered. 

Leo smiled. Willie could never believe how beautiful that smile was. "I can fix anything," Leo said. "I'm your papi. Now, I'm gonna bring you some cocoa. You sit up. I'll be back in a minute. I bet you didn't eat anything either, did ya? Just sat here crying and making yourself sick. What are you watching? Put on something in English, sweetheart." 

"You're mad at me!" 

Leo kissed his forehead and stood up. "I was never mad at you even for a second. I was upset that you shut me out. I would die without you, Willie. I'm gonna get the cocoa now. Sit up and find something good on TV." 

Willie sat up. "That's stupid."  
"Find a TV show or I'll put on Nightline. C'mon, now."  
Willie flipped through the channels. His hands were shaking. Leo wasn't supposed to act like this. He was supposed to come home all drunk. Willie had been all ready to run if Leo tried raping him again. But Leo wasn't drunk. Willie took his switchblade out of his sweatpants pocket and put it on the coffee table. Leo came in and put the cocoa on the coffee table and sat down next to him. He rearranged the throw over their laps and put his arm around Willie's shoulders, then handed him his cocoa. "There we go, baby. What are we watching?"

Willie took a sip of the cocoa. It was good. He cleared his throat. "You can watch Nightline if you want." 

"You don't mind?"  
"No. I wasn't really watching nothing." Leo flipped to Ted Koppel, who was going on about something in the economy. Willie wondered why he wore his hair like that.

Leo turned the TV to a music channel and turned it down low. "I don't care about the economy. Do you?" 

"I don't even have a job."  
"How come your knife's out here?"  
Willie cleared his throat. "How was Pat?"  
"Surprisingly smart. You didn't answer my question."  
"I can't," Willie whispered. There was no way to explain it. Now Leo would get mad about the not-sharing again.

Leo made another little tsking sound and snuggled him a little closer. 

"Well, let's see if you can answer this then. Will, what's your HIV status?" Willie's hands started to shake, and Leo took the cocoa mug away gently and placed it on the coffee table with his own. Then he held Willie's hands in both of his. Very softly, he said, "Just tell me the truth, sweetheart. I promise it will be OK, but you gotta tell me. You gotta." 

Willie suddenly remembered New Year's Day, and how Leo had sat here and blushed and held his hands and asked him if the sex was good for him. It had been more than Willie had ever dreamed, that Leo would care about that, would want it to be nice for him. He leaned forward and tucked his head under Leo's chin. "I don't know," he whispered. "Probably not good." His voice trailed off in a sob and Leo let go of his hands and hugged him tight, rocking and shushing. 

"Alright, honey, OK. That's all. Papi's got you." Willie stopped crying and swallowed hard, gulping air. Leo smiled at him. "Thank you for telling me, hon. We're gonna take care of that now. Don't worry no more." He kept one arm firmly around Willie's waist but handed him his cocoa. 

Willie sipped at the sweetness. He felt a little lightheaded. "What are you gonna do?" 

"I'm gonna take you to the clinic and get you tested." 

Willie opened his mouth to protest, and then realized he couldn't put it off any longer. Leo would help him. He leaned against Leo and sipped his cocoa. Leo started flipping through the TV channels. He stopped at a Clint Eastwood movie. 

Willie finished his cocoa and put the mug down. "Leo?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You wanna blowjob?" 

Leo smiled. "No. I want you to kiss me, please." Willie did, tentatively. Leo kissed back warmly, somehow kindly. Then he said, "Why don't you put your head down? Rest up after all that worrying, that takes a lot outta ya." Willie lay down and carefully rested his head on Leo's thigh. Leo's fingers trailed soothingly through his hair. He loved lying like this. It was so peaceful. Leo tucked the second throw around his shoulders and smoothed it over his hips. Willie felt fussed over for a minute, like he was a princess or something. He started to watch Clint Eastwood but he was asleep within minutes. 

**Monday, June 7**

The clinic was cold and everyone was professionally polite to them. Willie said his name was Benjamin Franklin, and no one even smiled. Leo gave his real name. He'd explained to Willie that he got tested every few months at work, just in case he got stuck by any dirty needles or anything, and he was fine, so Willie didn't get why he was getting tested too. To keep him company, he guessed. They waited in the waiting room with its tasteful art and cheerful carpet, but all the posters and flyers about AIDS made it depressing anyway. They had agreed to get the quick test today and then more tests if necessary. Willie's mind skittered away from the idea of "if" and he hunched down on the tasteful Swedish loveseat. Leo's arm came around his shoulders immediately and Leo whispered, "Shhh. It's alright, baby." He nudged encouragingly and Willie gave in and cuddled against him. It was some kind of gay clinic anyway; it's not like anyone would bother them. 

Leo was being so nice lately. It made Willie wonder what Pat had said at the bar, but he couldn't imagine anything Pat could have said to make Leo so nice. He'd thought there would be tons of payback, after the whole meltdown on Friday, but there wasn't any. He'd offered to blow Leo again when they woke up Saturday, and Leo had been amazing. He'd just kissed him and they'd given each other handjobs and kissed for a really long time. It had felt so good and easy. And Leo had said they didn't have to do anything else until they wanted to. Willie had thought that was bullshit but then he hadn't expected a handjob would make him so happy, and Leo had looked pretty happy about it too. Willie wondered if it was because of all the extra kissing. Last night he'd extended the idea of handjob to include a little fingering, and Leo had really liked that too. It was funny to watch Leo's face so much. Leo was so handsome. He forgot that sometimes, when he got all emotional, and Leo was just Leo to him. But Leo was the best-looking person he knew, certainly the best-looking person, male or female, he'd ever been with.

A man in a white coat walked over to them and asked, with a Spanish accent, for Mr. Franklin. "That's us," Willie said, sitting up. 

"Is it you?" the man clarified.  
"Yeah. But we're together."  
"That's great, but you're being tested separately. If you'll come this way?" Leo patted his back reassuringly. "Go on. I'll meet you right back here. If 

I'm not on this couch when you come back, it means I'm in being tested, and you should wait right here till I come back. Understand? Neither of us leaves without the other, OK?" 

"Si, Papi," Willie whispered. Leo squeezed his hand and let it go, and Willie told himself to calm down and followed the dark-haired doctor down a corridor and into an examining room. He was surprised when the doctor sat down and asked, "What brought you to be tested for HIV today?" 

"Huh?"  
"Why did you decide to get tested now?"  
"Does it make a difference to the test?"  
"No."  
"Then, doctor, I don't really wanna talk about it. Just test me."  
The man smiled. "I'm not a doctor. I'm a medical assistant. My name's Juan Ramirez. I'm asking these questions as part of your pre-test counseling." Willie kicked his feet impatiently from his seat on the edge of the examining table. "I don't want counseling, I just want the test."

"Well, research shows people do better with counseling. So, no particular reason you've come in today. How may you have been exposed to HIV?"

Willie bit his lip. He didn't feel like this guy cared about him, but then he didn't care either. "In jail." He cleared his throat.

There was a brief pause. "When did this happen?"  
Willie stared down at the floor. "At first, about, um, I guess, six years ago? When I first went in. The real bad time. And then, like, just mostly one guy after that. Well, and another guy, but that was, um, something else."

"The one in the waiting room?" 

"No! No, he, he's after I got out. I thought you meant just in jail! I didn't, we're -- he's safe. He's negative and I made him use condoms." 

"So since you got out you've been using condoms?" 

"Mostly, yeah." Juan looked at him skeptically. "I can't remember every single time, for chrissakes. But with Leo, yeah." 

"Well, that's good. You should be safe with everyone, all the time. Did you get any related medical care in prison?" 

Willie sighed. "The first time, yeah, I was in the infirmary. They tested me then but then it was too soon for real results and I was supposed to get tested again later but they didn't cuz of budget cuts. And then it was like I couldn't get away from Diego anyway so what difference did it make if I got tested?" His voice wasn't working right. Suddenly Juan was handing him a glass of water. "What?" 

"Have you received any emotional counseling since you got out? Because this sounds like it was very traumatic." 

Willie put the water down, untouched. "No. I'm not crazy. Leo always wants me to be counseled too. I don't think they know anything. Can you do the test now?" 

"Shortly. Have you thought about what you will do if the test shows you have the virus?" 

Willie shrugged. "Leo will take care of me, I guess. He said he would." 

"That's your plan?"  
Willie looked right into his eyes. "Yeah. Until I get too sick. And then I'll kill myself. But I'll warn him first, so he doesn't find me. Maybe I'll call one of his friends so he won't be on his own. I bet Theresa would look after him."

"That's a pretty extreme plan."  
"Can you do it now?"  
"What's your plan if the test comes back negative?"  
"I haven't really worried about that too much. Can you do the fucking test now?"

Juan stood up. "Give me your hand."  
There was a pinprick, and then Willie was sent back to the waiting room with a bandaid on his finger. The loveseat was empty, and Willie's heart sank. He reminded himself that Leo had promised to be right back and he should just wait. He sat down. The loveseat seemed huge without Leo. The beepings and buzzings of the clinic noises rang in his head confusingly. He closed his eyes. Leo would be really upset if he killed himself. It wasn't fair to make people find dead bodies of people they liked. Maybe he should go away and kill himself someplace where Leo would never find him. But not yet. Not till he got really sick.

He hadn't called that detective in a year. It was time to call again and remind him his mother was dead. Maybe he should give that up. They were never gonna find who did it. He'd thought all this time he was calling on the principle of the thing, because she should have mattered to someone besides him. But maybe he'd only called because when he stopped calling, it would all be in the past, and there'd be nothing left to do for her. Like he used to rub her feet for her. Maybe when he died he would see her again. God said he could see her again when he died, so maybe Leo would understand that it wouldn't be that bad to see his mother. It would just be terrible to leave Leo. He would visit Leo's mother too, like he used to when Leo was in jail. Maybe this whole life was a jail, and you only got out when you died. 

"Willie!" Leo called. Willie's eyes flew open. Leo jogged across the room to sit next to him and pull him into a hug. "Willie, baby. I'm right here." 

"OK," Willie croaked. Leo started wiping at his face and Willie pushed his hands away and then frowned at him. He felt his own face. It was wet. He took the kleenex Leo held out to him and swiped at it. He must have been crying. "I'm OK." 

"Yeah? Did he say somethin' to you?" 

Willie shook his head. "No. We're gonna have to talk."  
Leo looked dumbfounded. "Alright, Willie. Sure. What about?" 

Willie leaned back into the loveseat and sighed. "Dying."  
Leo twisted to look at him. "Why don't we wait and see if we're dying first?"

Willie snorted. "Fine, if ya wanna get technical."  
"I kinda do."  
"I just wanna know if you would rather be there when I die, so you know, or do you want me to do it someplace else so you don't have to see?"

Leo stared at him. "Don't you dare talk about leaving me, Willie. Don't you dare."

Willie rolled his eyes. "You don't control death, Leo."  
Leo bit his lip and his eyes looked watery for a second. He spoke quietly. "Neither do you. So stop scheming about it and think happy thoughts for a bit, OK?" He took Willie's hand in his own and put his other arm around Willie's shoulders. "Put your head down if you want, honey. We'll just sit quiet." Willie looked at their matching bandaids. He pulled Leo's hand to his mouth and kissed over the bandaid, and then kissed his palm. He didn't deserve Leo and all his goodness. If he didn't die, he was gonna make it up to Leo. He would be the best boyfriend anyone ever had. Whatever that even looked like. He wondered what Leo would want him to be like, if he could remake him. Less crazy, probably.

The woman at the counter called for Mr. Franklin. Willie looked at the clock. An hour had passed. He looked at Leo and pulled on his hand. "Papi?" He hadn't expected his voice to sound so croaky. They stood up together and walked towards the examination room again. That Juan was standing in the doorway watching them walk over. Willie felt his legs shaking and held onto Leo's arm. His body was terrified, but his mind felt clear; everything was detailed and in slow motion -- the buzz from the florescent ceiling lights, the fibers in the carpet, the fingerprint smudge on one side of the doorway. Leo put his arm around Willie's shoulders, pulling him close. They followed Juan into the examination room. Willie sat down on the examination table again. Leo stood beside him, his hand warm on Willie's back. He felt chilled suddenly, and sweaty at the same time. 

Juan said, "Your results are confidential. Maybe I should see you alone."  
"No," Willie said clearly. "No, I want him here. Tell us both."  
"Alright, well, you understand that no test is a hundred percent accurate, but this one has been very reliable, and you have the type of results that are usually dependable. And you understand that the disease can take months or even years to appear so as to be detectible by these tests. But as of today, your blood sample tests HIV negative. This does not mean--"

"Oh Jesus! Oh thank god! Thank you, God!" Leo shouted and buried his face in Willie's shoulder, squeezing him tightly. 

Willie laughed in surprise, though it came out more like a shaky gasp. He got an arm around Leo's waist and patted his back. "Alright, papi. Leo, baby. Shhh." Leo was crying. Willie pointed past Juan and asked, "Pass me those kleenex, please?" Juan did. Willie took a handful and swiped at what he could reach of Leo's face. "Shh, Leonito. He's not done talking to us." He kissed Leo's cheek, and suddenly Leo turned his head and kissed his mouth fiercely. He tasted like salt and sorrow and Willie thought, no one else would ever weep for me. 

Juan cleared his throat, and Leo grabbed more kleenex and blew his nose. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm relieved." 

Willie rubbed Leo's arm and looked at Juan. "What else did you have to tell us?" 

"Just because you are currently uninfected does not mean you are immune. You should continue to practice safe sex for each sexual encounter." 

Leo cleared his throat. Juan looked at him inquiringly. Leo blurted, "But if we're both negative and we're in a monogamous relationship, we can do what we want, right?" 

Juan sighed. "Technically, yes, but only if you're sure you've both been monogamous for six months and it's still not a good habit to get into. It's better to just practice safe sex all the time with everybody." 

Leo smiled. "There's no everybody. There's just us." 

Juan picked up a clipboard and read from it, a legal paragraph about holding the clinic blameless, and Willie signed where he asked and took the brochure about safe sex and accepted the free condoms. "Gracias, Juan. Thank you very much."

"You're welcome." 

They walked back to the waiting area. Willie still felt shaky and floaty. "Do they have your results now?" 

"We don't have to wait. I know them." 

"Let's just wait." They sat down on the loveseat. Willie felt like there was so much going on in his head that he couldn't keep track. He just waited and held Leo's hand. A few minutes later there was a call for Mr. Handler, and they walked together to another exam room. Leo didn't seem nervous at all. He stuck his head into the door and asked the woman, "It's negative, right?" 

"Handler?" The girl looked at a printout. "Handler, negative." She made a checkmark. "You understand this doesn't make you immune and you still need to practice safe sex." 

"Yeah, OK, where do I sign?" 

Willie never even stepped into the exam room before Leo was leading him back out through the lobby and into the elevator. In the elevator they hugged each other tight, and then Leo led him by the hand to the curb and hailed a taxi and bundled them into it. He pulled Willie half into his lap and whispered quietly in his ear, "I love you so much. You are so mine. I can't wait till we get home cuz I'm gonna throw you on the bed and fuck you into submission so you know you're mine." 

Willie snorted. "Yeah, like that's so hard."  
Leo giggled. "I know what's hard, Willie."  
Willie moved his hand and stroked Leo through his pants. Leo started breathing funny and looked very distracted. Willie wondered if the cabbie would freak out if he blew Leo right here. They went over a deep pothole and he practically banged his head on the ceiling, so he decided against it. It would be terrible if that happened with a dick in his mouth, given the way his teeth had clicked together.

It was better without the condoms. Better and hotter and closer and messier. Willie lay beneath Leo's glistening body, his heart still racing, Leo's dick 

still warm inside him. He squeezed it and Leo sighed and nipped at his chest. Willie thought they had actually come together. He shifted his legs a little and Leo slid further out of him, and then Leo stirred and withdrew and moved up to bury his face in Willie's neck. Willie stroked Leo's back and let himself drift. It was hard to take in the perfection of it all at once. His whole life he'd always thought he'd been so happy and then it was all ruined and spoiled, and this was like the opposite. He'd been unhappy and now everything was perfect. He wasn't going to die, and he wasn't going to get sick, and he and Leo were together and they loved each other and nothing was ruined. He kissed Leo's shoulder, then turned his head to kiss his hair, too. He tasted all salty and sweaty. Leo stirred and shifted partly off him, but kept his head on his shoulder, only stretching up to kiss Willie's cheek. "I love you." 

"I love you," Willie echoed.  
"I'll last longer next time. You were just so hot, Willie."  
"That was great. You were pretty hot yourself." Willie petted Leo's hair and rubbed his fingers over the nape of his neck. "I'm so happy, Papi."

"Me too, sweetie." Leo slid his arms around Willie and hugged him tight. "Mine mine mine mine my Willie."

"All yours, Papi." Willie smiled and kissed Leo's nose. He had worried that Leo saw him as a bad deal, as spoiled goods, as some fag who oughta be grateful. He had been a fucking idiot. "I think things will be different now."

Leo opened his eyes and squeezed him tighter. "Mine."  
Willie laughed. "Yours more than ever. I mean different in a good way." 

"You're perfect already!"  
Willie laughed harder. "Gracias! So are you!"  
Leo smiled up at him. "I love you so much. I feel like I can't stop saying it." 

Willie kissed his mouth gently. "I feel the same. Can I ask you somethin'?" 

"Anything."  
"At the clinic? Were you prayin' to Jesus?"  
Leo took a deep breath. "Yeah. I know, I'm a big fat hypocrite. I, uh, I prayed you didn't have it."

"You prayed for me?" Willie's voice was a whisper. 

Leo nodded. "I guess, maybe there could be a god after all." 

Willie hugged him tightly. "I know there is, Leo." 


End file.
